College & Endo-- AKA The Crazy See-Saw I call my Life

A Little of This, A Little of That...

2011-01-17T16:37:00.001-07:00

First off, I finally found the picture from ASRM! I added it to my original post but I thought I would share it here as well, since I'm such a slacker that I just now posted it...

Me! and Mary Lou Ballweg at the EA booth

Yes, I was excited. I was also on a dosage of vico.pro.phen usually reserved for men twice my size.

Which provides a *seamless* segue from This to That...

More pictures!

I was so incredibly bloated and swollen during my November & December periods that I took pictures so you can adequately empathize... Maybe I just never notice the extra inches when I was heavier, but when it was 3 weeks til finals and 1 classmate & a prof asked if I was pregnant I about lost it.

Side note: I am officially terrified of medicated cycles. I have obviously never experienced one, but after seeing pictures and reading some of the stories regarding "The Injectibles' Belly" and seeing what my gut does on it's own.... I'm investing in muu-muus.

Second side note, first TMI note: I know GI issues are extremely commen with endo girls, so I guess I'm just looking for any suggestions... AF brings over a week of lazy guts. And I'm sick of drinking myr.ilax. Help.

For perspective, this is me on an average day. Actually this was taken after got back from my parents' house, so I'd been eating all kinds of crap for a week. But that's neither here nor there.

Giant sweatshirt still manages to show how completely non-existent my boobs are...

This is me the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, aka CD2.

And... Christmas Day.

As you can tell, I had a wonderful holiday season this year...

I Did It!

2010-12-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

Courtesy Google Images

That's right people--I passed all my classes!

(Yes, I was legitimately concerned I wouldn't pass research methods... and not passing would result in a suspension of financial aid, due to my low completion rate... which is due to a certain ex-husband causing my life to fall completely apart. For the past week, I have been *Stressing* over whether or not I would actually graduate--I did not want to feel like a failure like that OR have to call my... motivating? mom and give her the news that I failed. Again. )

Not only did I pass all my classes, but I have a 3.0 for the semester!

That's right--despite my crazy-ass semester with 20 credit hours and everything else I had going on, I still managed to pull 3 B's, 2 A's, and 2 C's.

*Technically*, I probably could have pulled 5 A's, and only 1 B & 1 C, but I am NOT complaining! Except maybe about my ability to bite off more than I can chew, get overwhelmed, and hide in my apt for an entire week of class...

I am SO excited--this means I'm actually graduating in.... 142 days!

I. Am. Stoked.

Following my long-awaited graduation, I will be imbarking on a 5000+ mile roadtrip with my little bro DG (currently deployed in Afganistan--say a quick prayer for him and all the other people over there, please). The current plan is to start in San Diego (where he's stationed) and hit Vegas, Denver, parent's home town in TX, Dallas, Austin, Memphis, Nashville, Chattanooga, Atlanta, and possibly New Orleans.

Yes, we will probably find trouble somewhere along the way.

SoccerBoy's parents and brother's family got into town Tuesday and so we've been pretty busy... I finally got to see the Zoo Lights last night!

Tonight, though, we're heading to Lodo's in Westy to meet up with all their old friends from high school.

Me?

I'm celebrating!!

International Symposium on Endometriosis

2010-12-22T01:43:00.001-07:00

Ever wonder where some of these doctors are getting their information?

Ever wish you could get your gyno to actually pay to the research?

Ever wanted to see every major endo expert in the same city?

Well, guess what!?

In only 3 months, you too can attend

WSE Highlights (as taken from the website)
◦Live case transmissions: Live case transmissions from the best hospitals around the world
◦Late breaking science: Content will highlight the most current research by scientists, researchers, clinicians, primary care physicians and medical professionals
◦Meet the experts: Engage with experts in the field of gynecology and endometriosis to further explore this enigmatic disease
◦Debates on key topics: Open forum discussions to further explore treatment and diagnosis options in the management of this disease

I'd list all the experts for you, but there's really too many!

Suffice it to say all the big guns will be there. Confirmed faculty include: Dr. David Redwine, the Drs. Nezhat from the Atlanta Center for Minimally Invasive Surgery, Dr. Albee from the Center for Endo Care, my own Dr. S from CCRM, and of course, Mary Loe Ballweg Founder and President of the Endometriosis Association!

Like most such medical conferences, this symposium does not offer reduced registration rates for patients. I'll be shelling out $200 from my spring student loans, but if you don't register by January 15th the rate changes to $300.

Th Endometriosis Association will have a booth and they still need volunteers to staff the booth--this is one way you can get into a day of the conference and make a difference!

I would LOVE to find some other patients to connect with while I'm there, if anyone would be interested.

I ask that each and every one of you share this post, or the symposium website, on your blog/twit.ter/face.book-- every woman deserves to know everything they can about this disease! Encourage every person in your world to make a donation to the Endo Assn and nag your doctor until he/she decides to educate themselves!

We forward our friends and colleagues links about breast cancer and childhood obesity, but when was the last time you told some one about endometriosis?

The Last ICLW of 2010

2010-12-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!

This is the time of month when we all bust out of our normal routines and meet some new friends... and this month I'll actually fully participate! I might even go for Iron Commenter since I'm off work Thursday and Friday...

This semester officially kicked my butt and while I've been on each list since August, I've rarely commented. Since I love making lists and (often) take time to justify my behavior, I have made a list of likely ~~reasons~~ excuses:

20 credit hours/7 classes this semester
70 hours of field experience to fit in around all those classes
5 semester-long group projects, including a research project (never. never. EVER. again. Well, until grad school anyway. *tear*)
working an average of 35 hours/week chasing toddlers & rocking infant multiples
therapist recommendation that while writing about my IF/Endo struggles is healthy, spending hours reading about the worst case scenarios is not... (oddly, no comment about surrounding myself with children under 3... hmmm)
my obsession with spending waaaaay too much time making lists

Nice, isn't it?

Lists make me happy!

For those of you new to my crazy little world, here's the abbreviated version (in another list hehe):

I first began treatment for severe dysmenorrhea at 14--yep, I'm one of *those* endo girls-- and was told to take 800 mg ad.vil 4 times/day. Indefinitely.
At 16 (4/03), first lap for 3 ovarian cysts over 7cm. No endo diagnosed, but 2 cysts were filled with blood... apparently just for shits & giggles. Began bcps and pain meds, followed by anti-depressants at 18
At 22, admitted to the ER. 3 days, 2 pelvic exams by men with extremely large hands, 2 u/s, and entirely too much morphine later, I had lap #2 (8/07) and was told to start Lup.ron with no add-back therapy
18 months after lap #2, and desperate for relief, I found Dr. S at CCRM who preformed lap #3 (11/08), pu tme back on Lu.pron for 4 months, and gave my husband and I the "Now or Never" IF talk.
Devastating SA and AMH, followed by my now ex-husband filing for divorce

Despite the laundry list, I have been mostly symptom free for the past 2 years. I practice yoga (great for scar tissue) and detox (recent research shows strong link between toxins and endo growth) regularly. When I had a flare-up this past summer, I began going to acupuncture 4-6 times/month and take whatever's in those bottles of Chinese herbs. Okay, so the bottles are adequately labeled and from reputable companies, but I so can't spell the ingredients...

So that's the endo side of my life!

I'm also a feisty, hippie-leaning, young woman who has a lot more to offer than endo assvice. I fight the baby cravings by working as nanny--mostly with toddlers and infant multiples--which sometimes makes the cravings worse... but I love what I do!

Please, come back & visit!

Happy ICLW!

So THAT Didn't Happen

2010-12-16T16:41:00.001-07:00

First of all:

I'm finished with finals til May!!

Now, for the Biz-is-Dumb news:

Today was supposed to be Day 1 without nicotine.

And then, right when I was driving home and craving one ever so bad, SoccerBoy sent me a text.

We're going out tonight.

To a bar.

With a group of people.

At least half of whom smoke.

We're talking chain-smoke.

Not just my pathetic 3/day.

3/day is still horrible.

Beside the whole not-actively-TTC-but-not-preventing-it-either thing (which btw, an increasingly larger part of my brain is convinced it won't happen until my body is clean--makes complete sense), I know I'm killing myself bit-by-bit.

Prematurely aging my eggs more than they already are.

Aggravating my barely-there asthma.

And generally fucking up my body.

But I still just smoked one. Simply because I knew I would be tempted this evening.

I even have a plan--smoke what I want tonight, then give whatever's left to a smoker friend when we head home for the night.

How messed up it THAT?!?

So, we'll be trying this again tomorrow.

If any of you are regular readers--help keep me accountable??

The goal is to be completely nicotine free (both me AND Soccerboy) by the time we leave for TX, since my parents are adamantly anti-nicotine (as I should be) and I want to start the new year off right.

That gives us exactly 13 days.

But we're motivated.

Because, come January 5th (the day after we get back) I start temping.

That way, I'll have 5 complete cycles of temps with a clean system by the time I have all my b/w re-run in late May.

And isn't that so powerful motivation?!

Espresso Machines & Giant Babies

2010-12-15T16:14:00.001-07:00

This post was originally written back in October--you know, when ASRM actually took place? But I'm a slacker and never pushed the right button. Go me.

Yesterday afternoon, I volunteered at the Endometriosis Association's booth at the ASRM annual convention.

Yep-- I just met Mary Lou Ballweg!! In case you don't know, she is the founder and president of the Endometriosis Association.

I've wanted to meet her for a long time and it was so educational!! And amazing. Just for those of you who might not get quite as excited about "educational" as I do.

First of all, no woman with endometriosis or any form of IF should EVER go to ASRM without being properly prepared.

I mean, I knew it was a reproductive medicine conference.

But I was expecting to doctors and drug reps seriously discussing important breakthroughs--not expresso machines at every booth and giant baby photos hanging from the ceiling.

I didn't know that meant I'd be walking down aisles of sales people pimping sperm banks, speculums and other scary looking tools, adoption agencies (explain that one to me), any drug under the sun, new technologies for HSGs & Laps, EVERYTHING related to IF--including fertility supplements!!

The advertising banners are what really made my skin crawl:

Gonal-F Cares!

(Because, spending the same big bucks on developing a **successfull** endo drug wouldn't be caring?)

and

A Prescription for Hope!

(I forgot to write down which drug this was for, but take your pick of any ART drug-- I think we can all agree we take these drugs to get a baby--not some fucking hope.)

But the absolute worst part, for me, was the GIANT--we're talking HUMONGOUS Lupron booth.

The current ad campaign? I couldn't find the actual image--go figure, they must not want it circulating the blogosphere--so I did my best attempt at recreating it:

Turn off the Fuel that Feeds Endometriosis

Imagine that on 7 foot tall banners and you'll get the idea.

When I first saw the booth, I started walking faster towards it, fully determined to corner some poor drug rep and demand an explanation.

And then I got closer.

And my mind started bring up how endo has changed life for me.

How I used to think getting pregnant was something I needed to prevent at all costs.

(keep in mind these thoughts are flowing through my head while I'm standing in the middle of the Colorado Convention Center, surrounded by people who prob couldn't WAIT to tell me how THEY could knock me up)

And my mind started bringing up how I felt on Lupron.

What it did to me. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

What is didn't do for me.

(Keep in mind I was also on CD2--also known around my home as Bloody Hell--so I was in horrible pain, emotional as a girl can get, and bleeding like a stuck pig. ~~Sorry~~. No I'm not. This is an endo blog--get used to it.)

I broke into a cold sweat and I had to walk away... just so all those tiny women in their standard sexy black drug rep suits wouldn't see me have a complete breakdown.

I regret that I didn't walk up to them. I wanted to hear a rep carry on enthusiastically about their wonder drug, wait for them to ask if I have patients with endometriosis, and say very calmly (in my best southern dumb belle voice)

"Actually, I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis--oo, did I say that right?--a few years ago.

(pause for exclamation and instant just-try-this-talk)

Oh! So you mean this...this Depott Looo-p-ron should help?

(pause for the usual treatment plan discussion)

Does this have any--what does my mother call those silly things? Oh yes, side eeffects?

(pause for an exceedingly short blurb about vaginal dryness and mood swings)

Hmm. That's interesting. On two separate occasions, I gave your wonder drug 6 months and $1300 and BOTH times, I ended up in surgery within one year. Plus, let me list the side affects I experienced, including PERMANENT bone loss."

And that last part would be stated in my best stage voice.

Now that I have planned what I should have said, I can write in in my pocket to tell those fuckers at the 2nd Annual International Symposium on Endometriosis in Atlanta in March! More details to come...

I did spend quite sometime reading over the various research studies displayed and I must say I was pleased to see the number of endo related studies. I originally planned to summarize some the findings, but I was concerned I might misinterpret some stats or give incorrect information--and this stuff is important!

If you go here, you can find a complete list of abstracts for all the studies published at the 2010 conference. You do have to register to view the abstracts, but I think that's it.

Oh yeah! My RE (Dr. S) was a speaker! I didn't see him, but it's nice to know my doc is keeping up on the research.

Just. Shoot. Me. Now.

2010-12-15T14:36:00.001-07:00

Sunday through Tuesday were cold med cloudy days consisting of only enough sleep to remain semi-functioning and hours...and hours... and hours of homework/cramming for finals. Plus the increasingly debilitating neck/shoulder pain. Try carrying a 40 lbs backpack around campus with that. Fun times.

Last night, Julie (acupuncturist) covered my shoulder and neck with needles--along with a few point in my hands & ears. I swear it felt better at the end of the session, but I could feel it getting tighter even on the drive home.

This morning, my shoulder hurt so bad I was on my knees after pulling a shirt over my head.

I have an endo-high pain tolerance: This is NOT normal!

Finally made it to my PCP this morning and I have somehow strained several muscles in my right shoulder/neck--as only a completely uncoordinated person is capable. Or I might have meningitis and it's just not *that* bad yet.

Yes. She said that. And added that if I get a headache, I need to go to the ER. Immediately.

Got all that?

Just checking.

To make my day even better, Squishy's mom promised him I'd take him to the WOW Museum. Normally? Yes! Fun fieldtrip! Today? We finally left after 45 minutes when another lil kid ran into my shoulder & I had to bite back tears.

I'm currently praying he continues to sleep until his parents get home. I love the kid--he, like Shybaby was, is family. But I just cannot handle an almost 3 year old when I can't even turn my head to see where he ran to!

Speaking of Shybaby, B informed me that under *no* circumstances was she even *remotely* interested in communicating or reading *anything* about me, as I 'hinder her walk' and would make it more difficult for her & Ginger to 'recover from the damage that was done.'

Hmm.

I could go on and on about various past events which would explain the blatant absurdity of those statements, but if you're really that interested, you can go read the archives.
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Ok, fine--I lied! I have to say something. If she's really saying that she was trying to walk with God when she was lying about having a m/c, she needs to re-read that big book called the Bible. Just saying.
On the other hand, God *must* have been involved if Ginger was willing to forgive all those lies and marry her despite the 'damage' she speaks of... Maybe--as she tried to do at the time, complete with screaming fits about how vindictive I am--she *was* finally able to convince him that I was just so bitter about not having my own children(yet!) that I lied when I told him she was never pregnant. Sometimes I wish I had that talent for acting...

Oh well. I truly do wish the best for their family, despite how much it hurts to miss the important events in both Shybaby and B's lives.

I cut other friends out of my life because of how they treated B, and I've often regretted that. B's dad & fiance, now wife, were also my friends and I was so worried I'd end up ostracized--since that situation could have relayed in a variety of ways! So it's nice to see a Godly couple realize not everything is how it might appear.

And, maybe, just maybe, I can sneak a peak at their new grandbabies at their wedding next summer.

Maybe.

Just in Time for Finals

2010-12-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Biz is Sick.

Quite sick.

Saturday night, I accompanied the triplets I nanny for to a Christmas party with their parents, then took them home to bed. after dinner. I'm assuming I have one of the many children running around the party to thank for how I currently feel.

I woke up feeling 'off' Sunday morning, but I had a fun afternoon at the WOW Children's Museum planned with Squishy & Thomas so I tried to suck it up. Their parents were gone 45 minutes when I hit the wall: Broke into a cold sweat, instantly weak and shaky and dashing to the bathroom. I have NEVER had to call parents to come home early! I came home and had a full-on, two-year old style meltdown: Finals week, still more homework because I procrastinate like a champ, and I can barely function. So. not. cool.

On top of the nastiness, I have done something to my shoulder. As I told SoccerBoy last night, if I were a 40 year old male, I would be on my way to the ER thinking I was having a hear.t att.ack. Except, I'm a 24 y/o female with no history of heart problems. Duh. Seriously though, it feels wore than when I broke my scapula my freshman year of college--can't wash my hair, sleep, roll-over, or even turn my head more than 45* in either direction without tearing up.

Thus, I had to break into my endo CD1-4 stash. Not happy about it. Especially considering Dr. S. *really* doesn't like writing those scripts. Not that it matters-- after the surprise **$400** bill for an ULTRASOUND, I can't schedule another appointment--especially for pain meds-- until I pay my balance. Which has to wait til January. Since I am traveling to TX for the holidays--and I REFUSE to risk being stuck in an airport without SOME kind of pain med--I had to beg my PCP. Luckily, for the bargain price of a $20 copay and $4 for the script, I now have 10 vicos to last me a total of 18 hours traveling, 2 plane switches, 3 hours of layovers, 5 hours in a rental car, and 8 days of a traveling endo period.

Have I mentioned lately how much I just *love* paying my endo bills with student loans??

(Seriously, if any of you ladies are blessed with multiples and are considering a nanny or night nanny in summer of 2011--hit me up. Seriously. Loads of experience and you'd be supporting my endo/IF treatments. Just a completely shameless request from a broke college student--who has 10k in student loans JUST from multiple surgeries, Lu.pron rounds, and overpriced RE's. Or hey--need a personal assistant to help out while you're on bedrest? I'm desperate here.)

This post is kind of a test drive to see how well I can get my mind/body to function--and to see if I can actually type for any period of time with my shoulder... I'm kinda all over the place, BUT I think I figured out how to prop up my arm so I can type.

I have GOT to stop procrastinating!

I Miss My Sister..and My Shybaby

2010-12-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Shy probably doesn't even remember me. She might, but I doubt it.

A couple weeks ago, I emailed B. We hadn't spoken since she moved out.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my actions' effects on others. For months, I justified my actions during that mess as "well, yes, I betrayed her trust BUT what she did to me was so much worse!"

Let's look at that for a moment: what exactly did she do to me? Well, obviously, we had a very powerful relationship--when it was good it was great. When it was bad, it was screaming at each other in the front year bad. So in the past, there were actions on both our parts that were pretty messed up because we would miscommunicate or overreact and holy shit-- people better run!!

But this last break up? She really didn't do anything to be, besides refusing to discuss some minor issues. Most likely because she didn't know how minor I viewed the issues and she was just trying to avoid conflict. Or another massive blow up.

I really wished I could have explained to her WHY I was so upset by her actions:

All I wanted to do was talk.
I was hurt that she just disappeared and refused to come back or talk to me, so I said "fine--peace out then!"
I took her lies personally. I felt that if she was willing to lie about a miscarriage to a man she told me she loved, she must have been willing to lie to *me* about *anything*. And since, as discussed, I have some serious trust issues... My heart was BROKEN!

So I sent her an email trying to get all that across. All I want is for her to understand where I was coming from. If we can't be friends or be there for each other ever again, I would at least like her to know that I wish we could be.

She emailed me back a week or so later. She apologized for how things went down and let me know that she misses me too. But despite another email from me, she's not interested in talking. Or even being Fa.ce.boo.k friends.

She and Ginger worked it out (And NO! I really don't want to know if he ever learned the truth) and she actually conceived twins only a couple months after moving in together and then they married. I really am happy for her--she deserves some love and happiness for a change!

But I still miss my Sister. And my Shybaby. And it kills me that I wasn't there fore her during her pregnancy...that I couldn't celebrate the two lines or the two heartbeats with her. That I wasn't there for her wedding and that I won't be there for her birth.

That I couldn't bug her with heathy pregnancy tips all the time, or be there when she's trying to breastfeed twins, while caring for a preschooler.

Yes, part of me is still a lil jealous that it's not my happily-ever-after and my twins, but seriously--I so can't imagine trying to student teach or even pay bills if SoccerBoy and I had 2 babies in the picture!!

So yeah. This is where I do something that could be very stupid. I'm going to send her the link to my lil space here. I want her to be able to see what's going on in my head. This plan could backfire and I might have to make my blog private... but I want her to know I still love her and would love to be able to see her again.

I just want a hug from my sister.

Ppbbtt. Now That that's outa My System

2010-12-06T15:02:00.001-07:00

Ya, so I haven't been here in a while! And by 'here', I mean this handy-dandy 'new post' page. I have, in fact been reading and lurking quite loyally via smart phone.

Just not writing anything. (note: somebody should really create a Blogger App for Blackberry. Please. And captchas/comment boxes which actually work on smart phones. any day down. really.)

Mostly because I appear to be incapable of blocking out the piles of homework and 7 (SEVEN!) finals I have in the next 11 days. Though, I suppose not writing blog posts but doing homework is better than ignoring the homework to write my blog... look at me being all responsible-like!

Instead of just spitting out a quick 'I'm not dead, just way too busy' post, how about some bullet points??

October AF was hell. 5 Straight days of not moving, pain pills, THC edibles, and emails to my professors--high point?? Two profs (one of whom is also my advisor) calling me out about my 'personal problems'. Advisor: "I think you're using your personal life as an excuse to not attend class/complete work" Prof: "You were such a great student last semester...you need to get your personal life under control" and then the stinger: "are you sure your health problems aren't a symptom? could you be expecting?" Oh, the irony...
November AF was... only the first circle of hell? Only 3 days of pain pills!! And NO perineum pain! Good thing since Julie [have I mentioned my acupuncturists yet? Too short on time to check] mentioned a strong point for that pain is...actually... On. My. Perineum. I know acu is wonderful for me and it's helped a lot. BUT (or should it be BUTT?) I'm not ready for needles in my nacho zone.
Acupuncture is vahnderful dahling. Try it. Just do it. Give a qualified practitioner weekly visits for 4-5 weeks, take your herbs, and just see what happens. Not saying you need try perineum points.
Endo Pain Relief: we all want it. I found a 'new' medication. Well not really new, since I've used cannabis before for pain/nausea relief. However, I recently purchased a tincture for the first time. Essentially, this is a concentrated extraction of the plant, which is placed under the tongue for quick absorption. Granted, a large dose makes me drowsy, but WOW! It knocked out that deep, burning, twisting, stabbing endo pain for 6 hours!! Just a thought for the endo girls in any of the 11 states where it's legal for medical purposes. {disclaimer: anything and everything I do, or post about doing, in regards to this topic is LEGAL, according to Col.orado Ammen.dment 20.}
I still can't believe I've only met with Dr. K 6 times since August--my head and heart are in a MUCH better place and our relationship is stronger than ever!!
Speaking of being in a better place, the countdown to the official TTC insanity begins Jan 1st-- temping starts as soon as the semester ends, SoccerBoy's SA and new CD 3 b/w & baseline u/s are scheduled for May, and I'm tentatively (albeit, slightly prematurely) planning--read: need to start saving for-- on some kind of medicated cycle by August. Maybe December. But we've officially been unofficially trying for 13 months. So I doubt I'll last much longer than August without knowing *something*. Even if--nope! Not going to type/think about negative possibilities!
We're going to my parents' for New Years! We were already planning on going over Christmas, but then my parents decided to fly my sister/BIL/nephew out from South Carolina & flights were 50% less the week of New Years soo... after a not-so-subtle hint about how flying would mean we could stay longer, my parents decided to buy SoccerBoy & I plane tickets for Christmas! Considering my parents have never even given one of my boyfriends a present, I'm taking their unexpected generosity as a good sign :-)
Speaking of my mother, she has taken to ending every conversation with "oh yeah, are you guys engaged yet, or still living in sin?". For a 24 y/o divorcee with some serious attachment/abandonment/trust issues and even more issues with her mother, the lil barbs are a lil much. So when Mom was going on and on about all the business trips/vacations my dad's taking her on this year, I mentioned we would be happy to get married if she wants to take us with to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Since she shelled out a grand total of $500 for my entire first wedding, I know that ain't gonna happen. BUT! She hasn't made any marriage comments since! Victory is mine! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

So, to sum up:

Medical Marijuana for Endometriosis (yes, I typed that out to be goo.gle-able)
I'm finally *starting* to control my emotions/thought processes
TTC for realz starting in sixish months!!
My parents like SoccerBoy! Even more than my ex-husband...or any person I have ever introduced them to, for that matter.
I got my mom off my back! Without yelling, pissing her off, or causing a massive family feud! oh! And we started looking at rings this week (eek!)
I'll have more time to post/comment/eat/sleep in...11 days!!

Two Weeks From Tomorrow

2010-11-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

I really do have 3 half-written posts waiting to be completed. And I have a few more rolling around in my head.

But considering the massive pile of homework which is currently taking over my desk, I really can't justify spending time writing here. Even though I want to. Kinda need to.

But then I'd beat myself up for not working on those papers that were due last week...

In other news, growth has progressed to the point that it hurts to sit down. Yep, I'm now one of those people who sits down and immediately hops back up. No, not hemorrhoids--endo!!

fml

Technology is on Strike

2010-10-27T14:51:00.001-06:00

Apparently, both my laptop & my Black.berry and SoccerBoy's laptop & black.berry have decided to stage a coup.

The week before ICLW, my laptop started displaying blue screens and scary messages about a memory dump. It's now awaiting a Fed.Ex pick up so it can go to the Dell hospital.

The first 4 days of ICLW, SoccerBoy's laptop refused to let me access blog.ger. Seriously. Any other website was fine-- just not mine. After I set both the security & privacy settings so low the purpose was lost, I can finally access blogger.

And finally, both our phones' decided to crap out simultaneously. New phones have arrived, HOURS have been spent on the phone with tech support, and I STILL can't connect my new phone to SoccerBoy's (semi)functioning laptop. So they're sending me another phone.

Let's just pause and appreciate that all this BS happened not only during ICLW, but also SMACK-DAB in the middle of midterms.

After I spent all of last week begging my profs for extensions due to technological failure, I've spent the vast majority of the last 6 days floating on a cloud of endo pain and pain pills. Thus, none of said assignments have been completed. Ever try to write a research paper on percs??

Anyway, despite the mess I still made it to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine's Annual convention in order to volunteer at the Endometriosis Association's booth AND I made it to the Endo Ass meeting last night. First time in 15 YEARS that Mary Lou has been able to make it out here to Denver!!

I'm working on a couple posts about both ASRM (still makes my heart speed up thinking about it) and all the amazing endo-related info I've learned this weekend. Including a NEW not-yet-published study!! I even met 20+ Colorado women with endo, including a 26 year old woman who's had 10! surgeries & is scheduled for a hysto next week.

Wow.

I'm sitting here bitching away about school & laptops when HELLO!!! I'm in school. I have (had) 2 laptops at my disposal. And I'm not facing a hysto as a single 26 year old.

I have much to be grateful for, even though I feel incredibly behind/overwhelmed right now.

I will eventually finish those posts...

ASRM 2010

2010-10-25T12:13:00.001-06:00

Yep. That's right.
I'm currently standing in a convention hall, surrounded by reproductive medicine professionals & sales reps.

I just walked past two donor sperm booths & a table of speculums.

I was not prepared for this shit.

Yep, I'm crying...

2010-10-22T21:32:00.001-06:00

Wow...
Maybe it's partially because I just wiped my eyes after chopping up onins, galic, and green chilis for dinner (btw, *best* new recipe for low-fat, whole grain, chicken enchilelada-ish casserole) or maybe the any-day-now-PMS... BUT!
I don't know what else to say but THANK YOU!
I've never received such a response during ICLW and can I just say that I really needed it right now?!
Thank you, yet again.

ICLW: Welcome!

2010-10-21T15:10:00.000-06:00

So... where to start??

I'm a senior in college--graduating in May if I can manage to rescue this semester-- and the stress is one more thing I don't need right now!

On to the other major events in my life:
I've had monster ovarian cysts since puberty & was finally diagnosed with stage IV endo almost 4 years ago when I was 21, when an ER doc informed me I needed exploratory surgery and I shouldn't be surprised if I wake up with no ovaries. Luckily, he left my ovaries alone. Fast forward to 2008: married in June, lap in November, and the dreaded "TTC now or never" discussion at CCRM. In January, we found out about the pathetic swimmers, and in February (on my birthday), we separated. (gotta tell you, I LOVED going to CCRM for an entire YEAR before they finally added "divorced" to my file. There's nothing like having your RE repeatedly ask when your ex-husband is coming back in for another SA.)

Currently, I'm ~~living in denial~~ choosing to believe that the endo growth has stalled, despite recurring cysts. My AMH has gone from .5 in January of 2009, to .75 in August 2010. I can't afford to re-run it and my body refuses to cooperate with CD3 b/w. Turns out CCRM won't even bother running FSH/estradiol/etc when you have monster cysts. I refuse to have surgery again or try Lupron again unless I can't function. Thus, yoga and acupuncture are my two new best friends.

On the personal front (since the state of my ovaries isn't really *that* personal), I live with SoccerBoy and I previously thought everything was great. I've been off bcps since for a year in November and as of yet, I've averaged 2 HPTs every month, only to realize it was just another cyst (ow). However, the last 48 hours have thrown our relationship(me?) into a tailspin. Fun. I have no close IRL friends, though I have met a couple new chicks, and I tend to be completely terrified of most women my age. Been burned. A few times. Six of my seven classes have 2! women who are due in December and my ex-bff is pregnant with twins. 2 months after informing me that ART is selfish. My 21 year old brother just deployed to Afghanistan and has already lost 3 close friends. One of who's wife is due next week with her first child.

So to summarize:

I'm broke.
I'm graduating in May if I can get out of this sinkhole.
I have no idea what's going on inside my body, but I don't like it.
I might have just sabotaged yet another relationship.
Blogging is my escape.
I'm in a pretty low place at the moment.

Happy ICLW!!

Purple

2010-10-11T05:00:00.002-06:00

Purple. Good word.

I have an old friend would uses 'purple' as though it were supercalifragilisticexpialidocious... it works for everything.

And this morning: purple.

"People Before Ideology"

2010-10-10T13:07:00.001-06:00

While I had not heard of the situation that prompted her post, Lollipopgoldstein over at Stirrup Queens has eloquently written a powerful piece... please check it out.

People Before Ideologies
by Lollipopgoldstein
Another post asking people to think before they write, and yes, I will keep writing these posts as long as I see things like this on the Internet.
A woman lost her child.
You have probably heard about this story by now. I don’t know her personally, nor did I read her blog before his death. What I know comes from reading her posts. He was born with severe heart problems and lived his seven weeks in the NICU. The doctors were supposed to do his circumcision several weeks ago, but because his g-tube surgery was canceled, the circumcision (which was supposed to be performed at the same time) was canceled too. She was able to have the circumcision at the hospital this week. There were complications afterward, and the mother posted about them, begging readers to be gentle with her because, in retrospect, she was regretting the timing of the surgery. She was asking for support from her community because she was scared.
He died soon after of a heart attack; the same health problem he had been battling for seven weeks due to congenital heart defects. A group of “activists” left messages on her blog blaming her for her child’s death, and she removed the circumcision post despite the fact that the circumcision was not the cause of death according to the doctor — the only person who held the child’s full medical history. Without knowing the child’s medical condition beyond what was recorded online, the activists took to Twitter and wrote that this loss was entirely preventable; the result of circumcision. Amid burying their child, the one they’ve watched in the NICU for the last seven weeks, the family was met with an avalanche of nasty comments, emails, and tweets.
There are those who believe that it’s important to stick to your convictions, no matter what. And I can respect that mindset when the convictions are turned inward. There are, for instance, Jews — one or two generations beyond the Holocaust — who will not go to Germany. They cannot imagine supporting with tourist dollars a country that exterminated family members. This personal boycott may possibly affect others indirectly, but most would concur that a personal, quiet boycott mostly directly affects the boycotter. Others may not choose this way of processing the world after the Holocaust, but avoidance is an understandable response to trauma, and if it works for them and they’re not berating me for the way I process life after the Holocaust, I think it’s a fine example of how we can live and let live.
It would, of course, be quite a different story if that same person saw an elderly German woman being robbed and not only didn’t help, but afterward told her that she deserved it for being part of that old Third Reich Germany. Our ideologies and our convictions are only admirable insofar as they serve as a guide for how we treat other people. I would hope, simply as a human being, that if the person in our example saw an elderly German woman being robbed, they would set aside whatever feelings they had about the country itself, and help that woman in need. I see nothing admirable about placing ideologies before human beings. If it were Hitler himself being robbed, that would be a different story, but in this example, I am talking about taking your ideologies over the line, from being a personal way of navigating life to being a weapon used to attack others.
This isn’t about us. This isn’t about whether we are for or against circumcision. Whether we think breastmilk is the bees knees or whether we think breastfeeding is disgusting. Whether we do or do not consume high fructose corn syrup, or support the right for people to own guns or want women to have access to safe abortions.
There is a time for reasoned arguments, and there is a time to set aside our personal beliefs and reach out to another person — human to human. And frankly, I don’t think we need to only hold ourselves to this in times of trouble. I would love to see a time where we don’t name call, where we don’t judge people for their personal choices, where we recognize that just because a person is living a life very different from one we would choose to live that their actions don’t negate our own. That both can exist side-by-side because we live in this wonderfully diverse world and that saying that you’re for something doesn’t mean that you’re against something.
A blogger questioned last week my role as a community builder and she’s right: this space is not welcoming of people who conduct themselves hatefully towards other people. So, yes, if you are going to put ideologies before people, this is not the space for you.
I’m not Christian, but I’ve always loved the saying, “love the sinner, hate the sin.” And if you think something is a sin, but all means, go ahead and hate it with all of your heart. But please don’t hate the sinners in this space, nor is it any better to go to your own space and attack a human being rather than attacking an idea.
This is not a new phenomenon, after all, Jackie DeShannon crooned in 1965, “what the world needs now is love sweet love / it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t call it out when we see people dragging another person down. And my heart is with that family who lost their son/sibling.

Sick Again, OPCOS, and Other Random News

2010-10-07T10:19:00.001-06:00

I'm currently fighting off yet another stomach bug--thanks to a couple of parents who thought that minor detail that their 20 months old was up the night before puking shouldn't be mentioned to the babysitter...at least not until after they got home from dinner. Thanks guys.

In the morning, while driving to preschool, Thomas and I either listen to NPR or XM's Kid's Place
**Insert shameless plug (which I was not reimbursed for, though if XM's listening--hit me up!) Kid's Place ROCKS for clean, fun radio programming that won't drive adults insane.

Anyway, this morning, the host Kenny Curtis, was discussing how he wouldn't be on the air tomorrow because he has to go to court. To finalize his and his wife's adoption of a new child through the foster cazre system! This is their 6th child, after having 4 biological children. First, Congrats to Kenny Curtis and family!! Second, how cool is it that he took the time to talk about adoiption on a kid's radio show?! Go Kenny!

In other interesting news, Melissa, over at Banking On it, had an interesting new diagnosis of Ovulatory Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is good new for her, as it helps explain why her treatments weren't successful, but frustrating to only find out now, after spending so much time and money--both the dollar bill kind and the emotional kind.

She says her doctor thought about the possibility after her high antral count (20+ resting follicles) and upon learning her cycles were 30 days long. I believe bloodwork confirmed this, but please excuse my lack of knowledge concerning PCOS.

I find this very interesting.

And I'm hoping I'm not just jumping on the IF "maybe that's my problem too bandwagon...

But here's the thing, if you have taken the time to read my randomly-posted-postings, you would know I have longer cycles. As in, out of the last 12 cycles, probably 3-4 were right at 28 days, 3-4 were 30-32 days, at least 4 were 35-45 days. Also, if you remember, my antral count was a little wonky because of a large cyst on my left ovary, but they counted minimum 12, probably closer to 16 resting follicles on my right ovary. The tech said the high count was a good thing.

Like I said, maybe I'm just grasping at straws (a little early in this process, I do admit), but still. This wouldn't be this first time I've thought about PCOS-- hello? Weird cycles that weirder with weight gain and somewhat regulated at a lower weight, multiple large cysts from age 14... yeah. My first OB, who did my first lap at 16, actually suggested PCOS and never mentioned endo at all.

So I read up a lil on Ovulatory PCOS via the link provided by Miss Melissa (thanks!). Unlike "classic" PCOS, only 8% of women with OPCOS are obese, with maybe another 30% being overweight. Ovulation is normal, just longer cycles in general.

My sister has also has PCOS suggested as a diagnosis, never confirmed or ruled out, based upon her multiple cysts and otherwise unexplained infertility. She was able to conceive during a medicated cycle, but it was a trigger shot only, as they *think* her follicles just don't like to release the eggs.

This may be completely unrelated. But my AMH still bothers me.

My AMH went from .5 in February 2009, to 1.5 in August of 2010. To my understnading, AMH is not a number that should increase with time...period. Granted, I did have my last 1 month Lupron shot in mid- December, but according to Dr. S at CCRM, Lurpon shouldn't affect AMH at all. The only other aspect that changed was my weight. I went from 165 lbs to a healthy and strong 125-130 lbs.

Could PCOS/OPCOS affect AMH?? And if so, did losing weight lead to that change??

Things to ask Dr. S...

Family News

2010-10-01T20:24:00.006-06:00

In other, non-IF news:

My dad had his 3rd ankle surgery Friday morning to fuse another joint--this time with extra bone taken from his hip. Everything went well and he & mom spent the weekend at a hospital in Dallas.

I was worried.

They're both home now and everything seems to healing well so thank you G-d!!

He and my little bro Pedro are both on crutches now. Pedro plays football--4 games this year & 4 trips to the doctor. Sprained and resprained thumb, severe ankle sprain, asthma attack... Last year he broke 3 ribs & didn't go to the doctor for 2 weeks.

I have a tough family.

In not so happy news, my Little brother deployed to Afghanistan for an 8 month tour this past weekend.

He's 22 and this is his first deployment.

Four weeks ago, his wife served him with divorce papers.

I am more than just a little worried about him. He's always--and I mean ALWAYS-- planned on a military career. He was *this* close to getting into the Naval Academy, tried ROTC for a year and enjoyed the hookah bar more than his classes, so he enlisted in the Marines. But he's also just as sensitive as I am. And this worries me.

Will he do something foolish because he's hurting?

Will he come back a hardened war vet, instead of my sweet--yet tough--little brother?

Will he come back at all?

If you're the praying type: please pray for him and every other brother, son, and father who are fighting our war.

A Third of the Way There!

2010-09-30T09:57:00.000-06:00

That's right people: the semester is officially one-third of the way over!!

Only 10 more weeks of being in class 20+ hours a week.

Only 10 more weeks of having no life due to homework.

Only 10 more weeks of stressing out over said homework.

I CAN DO THIS!!

See, Dr.K, this is me being positive and stopping the cycle of defeat in my head!

And you know what else??

Tomorrow's October 1st. Only 6 months and 15 days until I graduate!!

And you know what else??

That means we *officially* start TTC in only 6 months!!

Even though I've been off bcps for 11 months now, I still consider May our starting point. Even though my current mantra is "by His stripes I am healed" and I have been visualizing healing & conception like crazy, I still don't feel like we've even thought "yeah, let's try now!"

Six months to quit smoking (I know, bad Biz!!) and to get SoccerBoy to give up his copen.hagen.

Six months of therapy to get my head in the right place.

Six months to pump my body full of every anti-oxidant, prenatal vitamin, and b-vitamin known to woman.

Six months.

And I can't wait!!

And I will call you my Squishy!

2010-09-29T15:37:00.000-06:00

In case I haven't mentioned him before, Squishy is Thomas's little bro and he's 30 months. When I first began caring for Squishy, he was only 5 months old--so we're pretty attached! I'm always worried Momboss will get upset when she hears him call me momma on accident, but she just shrugs it off... because he immediately says my name and looks embarrassed. Sometimes, he really has trouble: "Momma--Nana--BIZ!" Then the other morning he called me "momma, I mean Biz" and then stopped. He looked at me, looked at his mom, and started giggling-- "you're BOTH here so I'm RIGHT!" **adorable**

Every Wednesday, Squishy & I take Thomas to school and then--it's field trip day!!

Yes, when I was caring for them both 24 hours/week, we still went on fun outings... sometimes. Poor Thomas was born at only 27 weeks and so until last year, we didn't even leave the house except to walk to the neighborhood playground. And then when Momboss approved them, field trips meant wrestling a hard-of-hearing, brand-new-to-walking 3 year old AND a toddler around large, busy public places and SO--field trips were still only once a week.

This year is much more fun! Every Wednesday, I walk in their front door to choruses of "Hi Biz!" and then Ryan informs me where we're going-- the zoo, museum, aquarium... I love parents who buy their nanny membership cards!

Today Squishy & I went to the Denver zoo.

I love the zoo.

Yes, they tend to be packed and hot and anything you want to eat or drink is ridiculously overpriced.

But it's still awesome.

Especially if you're a zoo professional like me.

See, the zoo technically opens at 9, but no mom or school in their right minds would want to sit in rush hour traffic for an hour before chasing kids around the zoo. But since we drop Thomas off at preschool *right* next to I-70, we can jump on the hwy and be parked--*rockstar* parking 3 spaces from the gate-- by 8:40.

And I have discovered that nobody cares if one nanny and her 3 year old go in before it's technically 9. Well, the aquarium cares--but they charge parents who want to add their nanny to the membership, so they can suck it anyway. But the Nature & Science Museum and Zoo are AWESOME for the first 2 hours--quiet, cool, and peaceful.

So from 8:45 to 11, we wandered the breezy deserted zoo.. seriously. We saw the same 10 people the whole time. Which meant Ryan didn't have to try to squeeze between people to see the animals, or worry about some out-of-control field trip group running him over, or those rude adults that seem to love keeping anyone under 4 feet tall from seeing the animals. The zookeepers smiled and waved and talked to him about the animals--they just aren't quite so accomodating when there's 70 screaming 4th graders.

We saw the hippo getting sprayed down & Squishy giggled (for ten minutes straight) watching the hippo bumping the zookeeper so he'd spray the hose in his mouth. We were the only people in the parakeet "hut" while the birds followed us around. He could run and run and RUN (like only an almost-3yo can) where-ever he wanted without any risk of collisions or getting lost--it was awesome. I love seeing him be able to make the decisions every toddler seems to crave: he picked every animal to go see, picked every turn when the sidewalk had an intersection, and even told me when he was ready to go home. (I'm a firm believer you can have a tantrum-free 2 yo if you just listen. Granted, I give my 2 yos back to their parents, so maybe not.)

The animals were even happy to see us! No joke, every animal was just chillin right by the sidewalk so we had a great view. I guess they all get bored with people after a while, but first thing in the morning they all wanted to say hi-- even the momma orangutan climbed down from the tree so we could see her tiny baby on her shoulder :-)

He's so smart too! When I opened his door of my car, he looked at his car seat, saw the sun was shining on it, and promptly declared he would be sitting in Thomas's seat on the other side of the car. Declaration complete with that try-to-fight-me-on-this-if-you-dare toddler look. My (unspoken) first response was to tell him "no, get in your seat", but then he said "Thomas's seat isn't in the sun so it won't be hot!"

Can't really argue with that logic, can I?

Five minutes later, I look back to see him fast asleep and I couldn't help but wonder if he chose that seat for it's super comfy head rest...

I Don't Want to Care

2010-09-24T15:16:00.000-06:00

This morning was my second appointment with my therapist... we'll call her Dr.K, even though she isn't technically a doctor...just for lack of a better pseudonym. She gave me the homework of sitting down every day and writing what I hope to accomplish that day, my thoughts and hopes. Not to dwell on the problems, but to give myself a fresh perspective on the day.

She has made a few good points:

I catastrophize (yes, sightly made up word) all lot. i.e., missing a day of class due to pain means I will likely fail the class, lose my financial aid, and ruin my life.
I think in Black and White. Either I pass or fail. A harsh word from SoccerBoy equals A: he's an asshole & I should leave, or B: I'm a crazy person driving him to that point. Which obviously leads to a LOT of catastrophizing.
I over think. Everything. See above.
I am a perfectionist. (Duh.) Which means I never think I'm good enough...for anything.

I already knew I did all of these things, but I wasn't ware of how often or how much these negative processes were effecting me.

Then I said it: "I just wish I could accept the fact that I won't have kids... move past ever even trying medicated cycles and move on to knowing I'll be adopting someday."

Her response caught me off guard. "Why?? It's normal to grieve--do you think if you were adopting tomorrow, you wouldn't care that you MIGHT not be able to conceive?"

Well, HELL YES I would still care!!

"So why are you judging yourself so harshly for feeling these emotions?"

Because. I don't want to care this much.

I don't want to every AF to break my heart a little more.

I don't want to be sitting here wondering if I'm putting off true TTC for too long.

SoccerBoy and I actually had this conversation a few weeks ago. Part of me wants to "just come to terms" with living Childfree. But a bigger chunk of myself knows those thoughts are coming from not being in control.

I want to be in control of my body AND my future!!

Dr. K also brought up a very good point in regards to SoccerBoy. I was trying to explain to her how he tries to be supportive and says all the "right" things: "It's ok, babe, I'm here no matter what"... "I'm fine with adoption if it comes to that--we'll still have our family"... "What can I do to make it better?" and when I'm contemplating living Childfree: "We could have a lot more freedom...but is that what you really want?" ad nauseum

But I'm not telling him, explicitly, how I need him to support me. How I need him to recognize that I have a serious fear of abandonment tied into this mess. That he needs to show me he understands--even it all that consists of is taking me on a walk around the block for some sunshine when I'm having a bad day.

Tonight is datenight and I already told him we have some talking to do. Some yes, I-know-I'm-repeating-myself-here-BUT-this-time-in-more-detail talking.

It's Back.

2010-09-23T16:06:00.000-06:00

The Pain.

I've tried to deny it the last few months. Denial is over.

I spent Monday curled up on the couch: too dizzy to do anything, too nauseated to eat, too much pain to function.

Pain returning = depression

I don't want to go back to being in pain.

Back to hormones controlling my personality.

Back to not knowing when I'll have a bad day & not be physically able to go to work or school

Back to feeling like a failure because I miss class or assignments because I can't walk 20 feet without feeling like I'll puke.

Back to wondering if he really would be with me if we can't ever have kids... or if I'm a hormonal, "sickly" girlfriend until I hit menopause. Or later, since some cases of endo have continued post-menopausal.

Back to wondering how I can hope to be a teacher when I'm in a fog of pain for days out of every month.\

Back to wondering what is the point of having goals... aspirations... plans for the future if my life is controlled by my disfunctioning body.

De Nile

2010-09-10T14:20:00.000-06:00

I've been so overwhelmed with work & school... writing about it all would just be even more overwhelming!

SoccerBoy & I doing better than ever! Still holding in an IF circling pattern, but I did get some good news: CCRM reran my AMH in August-- 1.75 up from .5!! GOOOOO Ovaries!!!

I was supposed to have a full CD3 workup, but due to a 3 cm cyst on my wonky left ovary (boo!), they wouldn't run the other bloodtests. Technically, they said they "could" but the number would most likely be off & I'd have to have the tests rerun anyway. At $550 a pop, I can wait...

On the up side, my antral count for my right ovary was 12-16 so can't complain there--better than I had hoped! No clue on the lefty, since the poor ovary itself isn't much bigger than 4 cm due to all the cysts I've had cut out... Pretty sure the cyst finally went away in my September cycle, but unless I'm ovulating on CD 25, I think another cyst might have popped up on the right side in the last couple days.

Speaking of ovulating (great transition there?) Last weekend I attended the CAPPA Lactation Educator training. 8 women were in attendance: 3 nursing, 1 pregnant, 1 menopausal, 3 on their periods, and me. For 9 hours/day for 3 days straight. The leader joked the first day that someone would get pregnant over the weekend just from all the babydust hormones. Long story short, last weekend kicked my biological clock into overdrive...

August & September, I was just happy my numbers had improved & my cycles had finally regulated after stopping bcps last November. All this week, I've been focused on my gut, analyzing and over analyzing every twinge. At least I wasn't workingt overnights and was able to seduce SoccerBoy at least every other night since last Thursday... I *might* be in denial.

But hey! An official IF diagnosis says "actively trying to conceive for at least 1 year." That means I have a couple more months to weasel out of an unwanted diagnosis. Very logical, right?

When we went to TX last month, my mom asked how I'd been feeling. I usually avoid talking about anything IF related with her, but recently I've decided that I'd rather her have the most current and correct info possible instead of leaving her in the dark. If nothing else, it has seemed to prevent the "well IF doctors make money on IVF so of course your doc says go straight there" comments. anyway, I was telling her how much better I've felt since stopping all the hormones and she was hesitant "so you guys are trying to get pregnant..?" Technically, NO. My dream would still be to graduate before we go down that scary path. But we aren't doing a damn thing to prevent it!

Even though I'm not even temping (BTW--anyone know how to temp when you work 1-2 night shifts per week??), I'm still VERY aware of CM--now I know I'm crazy--so we try to time things to increase the likelihood. The tentative plan is to start SoccerBoy's workups and (hopefully) run my CD3 b/w and new antral count in April/May (come on tax refund!!) And start *really* TTC after I graduate....

But I'm still hoping we'll get an accidentally-on-purpose "surprise". (September + 9 months = June, I can do that.)

Maybe I'm just in denial

Taking a break...

2010-06-10T23:36:00.000-06:00

...from homework!

I'm currently in class 24 hours/week with *at least* another 12 hours of homework, so I'm back working nights... I found a new set of triplets that needed a night nanny and now I stay up 2-4 nights/week, nap 2 hours in my car, and head off to class... before hours of homework and then another brief nap. The week of finals I'm scheduled for 5 overnights in a row, for a total of 65 hours of work.

Needing money blows.

I'll be back in July with my 4 week classes are over... until then, read my small archives or something :)

A Sigh of Relief

2010-05-14T22:57:00.000-06:00

Finals are officially over!!

Now I don't know what to do with myself for the next two-three weeks. Well, that't not entirely true: I have to work-- a LOT-- to save up for books for this summer & for that stupid CD3 b/w. Life keeps coming up with semi-ligit reasons for me to put it off a few more months. Pathetic, I know. Like I told SoccerBoy this evening, "If you handed me $2k today, I could have it all spent on bills in 5 minutes."

I went to get my tires balanced/rotated roday & was informed they're too bald to bother rotating.

I priced books yesterday & for my 4 summer classes, I need $550+ for books.

Plus $500 minimum for the none-Pell grant covered part of my tuition.

So approximately $1000 before June 1st.

Easy-Peasy.

I know I won't *really* give up on life, but times like these that sure seems like an easier alternative.

I was Rendered Speechless. And my roommate moved out...

2010-05-13T13:34:00.003-06:00

It's been an interesting week.

It started last week, with B flipping out over some extremely minor "hey can you work on this issues". She hasn't been back yet and still won't talk to me.

Last I heard from her, she was planning on moving out. Simple enough solution right?

Not so much. I am so confused and hurt... I can't believe my sister would do this.

I finally get a call from Ginger asking me WTF's going on & why am I kicking B out over a couple dirty dishes. I tell my side of the mess and Ginger says "well I just don't understnad why you could do this to your best friend who just had a m/c!"

Um.

SHE IS TELLING HER BOYFRIEND THAT SHE HAD A MISCARRAIGE!!!

Excuse the caps... little disturbed by the situation.

I'm blown away. I very nicely (as nicely as I could anyway) told him she was full of shit--seriously she's telling him that 4 hour trip to the ER was an all night affair in which she was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and consequently had to go through a D&C. (Cause, you know, that's what they do for an ectopic) She's been sitting around for the past week rubbing her belly and telling him how much the "loss of their child" is paining her.

K, for just a sec, ignore the rest of the situation. Seriously. Okay, now--maybe I'm a little more sensitive about this subject matter, but lying about having a m/c as a way of manipulating her boyfriend is more than a little fucked up. I don't know what the loss of an unborn child feels like, but I do know that it is never acceptable to lie about the death of a human being for personal gain.

Ginger was in complete shock. Obviously. Then he starts asking me other questions. Questions I shouldn''t have answered. About her past relationships, etc. All I can say is that I was so hurt, taking this whole situation so personally, I just kept talking. Baaaad choice, Biz. He finally put the phone on speaker phone and she flipped. Naturally. I ( her best friend and sister) had just ratted her out. I know she has trust issues and today--well I quadrupled them.

When Ginger asked why I was willing to tell him the truth, I tried to wrap my head around this in a way I could. I tried to put it in perspective for both of them. B went through some SHIT as a child. BAD, bad shit. Shit that still gives her nightmares and that I can't even imagine. So I told him "you know what she went through as a child. If you guys found out I was lying to SoccerBoy & telling him that I went through a similar horrible situation JUST to make him stick around--well how the FUCK would you feel?!?"

Anywhosits, I'm currently trying to keep my faith in the innate goodness of the human race after B has confirmed for me that indeed, some people do not change. Despite therapy. In fact, their lies just get bigger and do more damage.

I'm also struggling to accept what I can not change--full on serenity prayer style.

Nothing would make me happier right this second than having Ginger see her discharge paperwork from the hospital--which would make it clear on a number of levels that she's lying. But that's so not my place (Iknow, I know, a lil late to realize this)

He's a really good guy and well, she's not acting like the B I know and love. And it's seriously jacked up for a guy to believe his baby just died when it's all a discusting lie. She actually told him she had "proof" from the hospital at my apt, but that I was refusing to let her come get it-- you know, cause I'm JUST that bitchy. Puh-lease. I told them both to come on over and search the apt for that "proof". Strangely, neither of them showed up...

I know I need to let this go... very much stuggling to though. She betrayed trust that she'd spent the last 6 months building up--on lies apparently, but still. And then I betrayed her trust. Completely.

I feel like I had a stranger living in my home.

A stranger who has no respect or even consideration for the people around her.

And then I fucked over my sister.

Another Month of False Alarms

2010-05-12T13:42:00.022-06:00

Yes, AF finally showed up on CD 42 (i.e. last Saturday).

I poas on CD 32: BFN, CD 35: BFN, CD 37: Positive, but just enough that I questioned it, CD 39: BFN

I'm so confused.

After 3 months of random cycle lengths due to bcps, I had 3 months of smack-on-the-dot 28 day cycles.

Here we are at month number 7 and I'm back to wondering WTF. Though technically, this long cycle is very likely due to stress: finals, drama on the home front, etc. Actually stated the day after I packed all B's stuff lol...

Not trying to complain--just very confused. According to my last lap, I have Stage 3, almost 4 endo. So in theory, the longer I go without suppression, the heavier and more painful my periods should be... at least according to my past experience and definitely from what the doc's been saying regarding my innards.

TMI Warning:
Instead, my periods have been getting lighter... Still very painful, but nothing Advil & edibles & the occassional Vic.odin can't fix. I've only used 2 pads & 5 tampons my entire period. 2 pads in the first 16 hours, and I don't need anything even though it's only CD 4. Weird right? The last few months, I've been going though 2-3 super tampons/day, but I certainly can't forget the multiple months of going through a box supers/super pluses with pads as back-up. And now I only needed 5 *regular* tampons for the whole shebang??

I guess I'm starting to worry there's something else going on... PCOS, premature menopause.... IDK.

I know charting would alleviate a number of these concerns however I really don't think I *can* chart. I'm up at 6:15 3 days/week, work a night nanny job 3 days/week, and rarely get to bed at the same time. ANd on weekends? Who knows... My charts would be all over the place! Any suggestions here...?

ASSumptions

2010-05-05T15:01:00.001-06:00

So you might have read about how B is driving me nuts...

She just made me seriousy consider throwing her shit out on the porch.

I'll spare you the details, but after she left the front door open yesterday, I spoke to her about in (what I thought was)a light-hearted friendly way but basically said "so not cool dude". I thought everything was cool until I got home & she & S never came home last night.

We made tentative planes to go somwehere with the kids today, but never confirmed. She texted me needing to cancel for an interview--WOO-HOO!, I said no big deal/shit happens, and she flipped her lid. I finally said "congrats on getting an interview, good luck on it, see you later" & hung up. And promptly texted her that we need to talk tonight. She replied she "couldn't handle" the pressure we put on her so she'd stay somewhere else tonight.

Now, she's playing the martyr. Or she just thinks I'm a lot more upset than I really am. Not sure which.

I shit you not.

She left yesterday and went to Ginger's house and today, she's blaming the whole situation on SoccerBoy.

According to her, she texted him apologizing about letting the cats out and he never responded. Additionally, she claims his "comment bout making me [her] cry" is why she left.... He's a guy. Sometimes they are harsher than they mean to be. Plus he was FULLY aware that she's struggling right not and more than a lil streesed and emotional, so it's not that he WANTED to make her cry, but that he was AFRAID he would accidentily. And he didn't want to cause her any more pain/stress.

Apparently, she'll now be moving out within the week. I still don't understand. But I know I'm not sure how to handle this.

Making an impact?

2010-05-05T12:57:00.000-06:00

Last night Momboss gave Thomas pizza for dinner...

This might not seem like a big deal, but considering that a mere 3 months ago this kid was gettting 90% of his calories via pedia.sure through his mickey belly port, him eating ANYTHING is pretty awesome.

I think I had a pretty significant impact on this because I wouldn't let him get away with anything. Mom& dad would sit ther e& wipe his chin over & over &over again becuase he would just let thte food fall out of his mouth. I said "big boys don't spit--keep it in your mouth or lunch is over!" and I followed through... low & behold, he started eating just about anything I put in front of him.

So the pizza: I'd given him pizza for lunch, but he had always refused it for his parents. Last night, Momboss looked at him & said "I know you ate this for Biz, so I know you can eat it for me too!" He stared at her for a moment and then everything she'd put on his plate. GO THOMAS!!!

On the funnier side, last night he found 2 of his kiddie golf clubs. He turned them upside down and was walking around the house on "crutches like Biz". Hehehe :-) He loves me! He REALLY loves me!

Interview tomorrow night for a 2 night/week night nanny position... should be exhausting, but interesting and a good way to pay for school.

School... ugh. yes, I AM avoiding more homework at the moment... leave me alone :-P

For all the people who just don't "get" it

2010-05-04T21:04:00.000-06:00

I could have written this myself... minus certain details, of course. Essentially, this is almost word for word what I wish I could say to certain peoples. Like B. And my mom.

It COMPLETELY expresses the way I've been feeling lately... This is from S.I.F's blog. While I'm a loyal reading, I still haven't gotten over the whole "I don't have anything important to say so why comment" thing... But I can relate to her. A lot. If anything ever happened to me & SoccerBoy, I would be attempting her course of action: Single Infertile Female faces IVF alone. There but for the grace of G-d...

I think there is a misconception about adoption in our society. I think most people assume that it is an easy way for anyone to bring home a baby and live happily ever after.

I think most people are clueless.

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James were in the adoption process for 4 years. 4 years! And they’re famous. And rich.

Adoption is a lot of things, but it is not easy. It is not the quick go-to method for an instant family. It just doesn’t work like that.

Yet people tend to jump straight there. It is the natural reaction upon hearing about my situation. “Why not just adopt?” I have heard it so many times I can’t even tell you. Even Chatty jumped immediately there during our little talk on the subject. Before I told her of my plans, but just as I was finishing telling her about my endometriosis she said "Well, at least you can always adopt!" As though that solved everything.

As though adoption could take away all my hurt and worries about infertility.

We, as a society, seem to believe that adoption should be the easy answer for an infertile woman.

I have been told that adoption would be cheaper (wrong), quicker (wrong again), and that my infertility is God’s way of telling me that I am meant to adopt (Seriously? When did God start telling you what he wants me to do?)

I don’t think people mean to be cruel. When one of my closest friends rubbed her pregnant belly (baby number 2) as she told me that if she were me she wouldn’t be upset by infertility at all because she would just adopt; it felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. She didn’t mean to hurt me, but she tore my heart out.

You can't tell me that you know exactly what you would do if you were in my shoes, when you have never been in my shoes.

You can't tell me that infertility wouldn't hurt you, when you've been able to conceive and give birth with no issues.

You can't tell me that, because you don't know. You have no idea.

There are some things you just can't understand until you've been there. Even when you have been there, your experience is your own. It's not indicative of what someone else may feel or need. I'm not naive enough to believe that IVF is the best option for every single infertile female out there; it's just the best option for me. Adoption may be the best option for someone else, but for me, right now; what I'm doing is the best choice.

I am sensitive. When people suggest I adopt, there is this part of me that bristles up and feels the need to defend my decision. The need to explain that adoption would actually cost me more than IVF. Or that the likelihood of my getting a child as a single mother isn’t great. Or that even if I did get a child, I would never get an infant.

And why am I not allowed to want an infant? At least now, with my life where it's at, why is it somehow wrong to say I want a baby?

But really, what it comes down to more than any of that is the fact that I want to carry a child. I want to feel my baby growing and kicking inside of me. I want to nurture that child with everything I’ve got from the day it is conceived. I want to labor until I feel like I can't take anymore, and than I want to hold my baby.

I just want to try.

Is there really something so wrong with that? With that desire to at least try? Other women get to try. Fertile women don’t typically jump straight to adoption. Why is it assumed that infertile women should?

Adoption is a beautiful thing, and it is likely in my future. I am meant to be a mother, and I know now that I will never be able to birth as many children as I would actually want. I recognize that this is probably my only chance at pregnancy. I can see a future where I adopt a home full of children, of all different ages and needs. I’ve never in my life met a child I didn’t connect with, and in many ways I probably am meant to adopt.

But I still want to try. Without judgment or questions. Without assumptions that others may know what’s best for me.

I am sensitive when people suggest adoption to me, because I put meaning behind their words that is likely not there. I wonder if they really think I haven’t considered that option. If they really think I am so lost in my own world that it never crossed my mind.

And I wonder if I think I am selfish for wanting to birth a child. For wanting a child that is loved and nurtured inside of me from the beginning.

I’m trying not to be so sensitive.

I know that people don’t mean to hurt my feelings.

That they are actually genuinely concerned.

That they think they have a better option for me.

But the best option for me (and for my baby to be) is the one I'm doing right now.

The best option, is to try.

Going for a record!

2010-05-04T15:06:00.002-06:00

2 post in one day-- gollygee!

UGH.

Too much shit piling on and instead of dealing with that which I *might* be able to change, I'm sitting here typing to myself.

B is driving me nuts. I get it--you're 12 days from your final divorce hearing & still searching for a job for yourself and a home for you and your child. My own divorce was stressful enough without caring for a child.

But seriously, you're living with a friend rent-free (with your 2 year old, no less) and you bitch when I ask you to wash the dishes after I cooked dinner and MY boyfriend just spent 15 minutes washing all the leftover dishes. Really? I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm struggling. I swear--we're so much more like sisters than friends!

Then, last night she didn't close the front door so SoccerBoy got up this morning to the front door WIDE open and both the cats gone. He was pissed because he knew I would be **devestated** if my cats were lost.

What I can't ignore are the IF comments.I think she's convinced that I'm taking this all waaaay too seriously. Last month, she actually said "well isn't it selfish to put yourself through all this (future IVF) when you can always *just* adopt a kid". This after I ***thought*** she had some clue what this was like. I dropped the subject & try to avoid mentioning it around her--thinking she just doesn't "get" it.

As I can afford them, I've been buying various IF books... basically the top 5-10 you'd see just about anywhere. Finding answers--or at least just more information-- helps me feel like I have some control over the situation. Plus most of these books have big weepy sections that are intened to help you "come to terms" with your diagnosis. I find reading helpful. I don't find her "ignore it cause my problems are real" attitude helpful at all.

Enter today's convo:
She's justifiably depressed, anxious, and both she & her daughter are bored in the apt watching movies all day: DUH! So after she vented and we laughed, I texted her the obvious "anyone would go crazy stuck in the small apt with a toddler & maybe it's you're craziness wearing off on me ;) why don't you take S for a walk?"

Her reply?.... " Sorry.......could be your own hormones and the literature you've been choosing to read... Just saying!!!!" next? "wasn't meant in a low blow kinda way just seen you go a diff way emotionally since you started reading them... tried to express that concern last week"

This "concern" last week was her informing me that she and SoccerBoy both feel I'm being extremely bitchy.

Yes, I love the bitch. But I can also say I'm struggling with this situation. I know I didn't get IF until I was diagnosed but if she makes one more comment about IF intervering with HER life, I might just start a fight so I can smack her!

1, 2, 3, 4--SCREW IT!!

2010-05-04T12:33:00.000-06:00

Extremely irritable today... and have been for over a week but that's irrelevent.

Went to see my pcp for a follow up about my knee, expecting to be sent across the street to the imaging place for an mri.

Not so much.

Instead, she sent me down the hall to another branch of the same urgent care, where I sat for 45 minutes with R before they finally did the damn thing. Which was pointless since OBVIOUSLY any damage to my knee is not skeletal. But *supposedly* the x-ray had to be done before the MRI for insurance purposes.

MRI's scheduled for Thursday morning--because apparently it takes 48 hours to get pre-authorization for that, despite the insurance company telling me they could have called & it would only take 3 minutes... or the MINOR detail that my knee will have been in great pain and damaged in G-dknowshow for an entire WEEK before my pcp can even erefer me to an ortho.

Excuse me while I go scream.

Onto another aspect of my body that's making life difficult:

Still no AF. CD 39. Four (yes 4!) hpts... 3 BFNs, 1 with a very questionable line that appeared before 3 minutes and never went away... Got my dumbass hopes up. Had the doc run a ua while I was there today and BFN so... yeah. Not buying clear.blue tests again. Starting to wonder if I have PCOS.

Deranged

2010-05-03T16:53:00.000-06:00

*somehow* I have managed to give myself superior patellar busitis & partial derangement of my miniscus.

Nice, right?

It seems this semi-serious knee injury to previous healthy knees happened by a once-in-a-million series of circumstances:

Friday, I sat cross-legged for 6 straight hours typing a term paper. Prob not that big off deal considering all the meditaion I do, but still.
I then spent 5 hours sitting in class.
I then spent 2 hours squating on the floor at Almost Home Adoptions playing with 60 kitties of various ages and abilities. The one-eyed kitten is adorable, but might have FIP... so sad :(
Saturday, I spent 6 hours babysitting 14 month old triplets-- read: up & down off the floor for 6 hours straight.

Sunday morning, I finally sucked it up and went to urgent care.

And now I have to take R to the doc with me Tuesday and possibly get an MRI.

Just in time for finals.

T - 10.5 Hours... Make that T - 10

2010-04-29T23:47:00.001-06:00

Have I mentioned what a *wonderful* procrastinator I am? This is procrastination at its worst... or best, rather.

I have a 6-9 page paper on the importance of play in education due tomorrow morning at 10 am. Oh-- and a po.wer.po.int presentation on skinner.

I haven't started either.

Even better...? This is for my foundations of ECE course...easy enough in itself. Until the assigned the prof from hell. The bitch HATES me. And apparently I'm not the only one to notice. I've now had 4(FOUR)! other students, with whom I never sit next to or really talk to (not intentionally of course...I just always sit next to the same people) walk up to me and ask what I did to piss her off so much. Still don't have a clue.

I was technically *planning* on going to school right after work to start on this bs, but B had some girly issues of her own going on... Last year she had an IUD that came out of place and worked its way into the side of her cervix and ute... bad, right? It gets worse. She went to pla.nned.pare.nth.od, asked the doc to remove it, gets the antibiotic, the whole fun bit. The next month, she goes to her (and mine!) pcp for her yearly. Doc gets started and says "I thought you said you didn't have an IUD...?"

That's right. Ignore, briefly, the fact that B was there to have the IUD removed due to heavy bleeding due to it RIPPING into her vital baby making parts and have a foreign object in there while healing can cause **Massive** amounts of scar tissue that could easily compromise her cervix. Instead, let's focus on the "DOCTOR" that without the patient's CONSENT or even KNOWLEDGE, inserted an IUD. And this supposed Ob/Gyn inserted a bc method know for causing inflammation, into a cervix/ute with open, deep scratches and partial perforations.

So anyway, she ended up leaving it after her controlling abusive ex talked her out of it because her didn't want to have to wear condoms. Tonight, we went to the er because she was having very similar sysymptoms. The IUD was fine, supposedly, and she went ahead & had the doc take it out anyway. But she has an infection of "some kind". Doc didn't say, but diagnosis was PID.
I told the bitch she better take her meds the right way cause I am not about to go through IF with my bestie!

That would be too painful for both of us unless we had the hollywood ending in which we both miraculously conceive on our first cycles...and I would hate to have IF come between us more than I have allowed it to already. I love her!!

Oh the hell tomorrow will be... star.bucks will be seeing my ass in the morning!

Just Bleed & Get Over It!!

2010-04-28T09:28:00.000-06:00

I wish.

Yes, it's that time of the month again. The time of the month when I constantly question my innards. Yep: INNARDS. Love that word... Anyway, let's see: currently CD33 (been 28 days for the past 3 months), didn't have cm signs of ovulation until last Wednesday/Thursday, no signs of AF, and of course: a BFN yesterday morning. Just more of the weird crampy/pulling sensations. Due to endo, I think I am painfully aware of where my ute & ovaries are (or should be anyway) and this is different sensations than those I've had before. This is deeper & lower... makes me wonder if endo sprouting up on some ligaments or something because this "pain" is weird. Not really painful--just feels like the scar tissue I spent the last year ripping up in yoga class... Low and wide in my abdomen/pelvic area--almost right under/beside my hips bones. Weird. Annoying.

I once read that men think about something sex related approximately once every 11 seconds.

Do you think there's ever been a study to determine how often IFers think about babymaking? I'm sure the frequency would be pretty sad... but definitely not surprising.

1 in 8

2010-04-27T14:26:00.000-06:00

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given." Romans 5:5

Since it is National Infertility Awareness Week, I've been posting links to articles and random 1-liners related to IF on my fa.ce.bo.ok page.

The response has been interesting.

A classmate from high school, with whom I never really got along with, "likes" every single one of my statuses (stati?) and has reposted a few of them. Wow. 1 in 8.

A woman I used to work with back in high school also started reposting them. Even then, she had been ttc. She tried 14 years for her son. 1 in 8

A close friend, who recently learned her IUD has caused massive uterine scarring, got "mad" at me for making her cry first thing in the morning. 1 in 8

Out of 17 grandkids in my dad's family, 2 of us are considered infertile or "subfertile". 1 in 8

It's pretty impowering to realize first-hand, that we are ALL affected.

Despite my mom's denial that either of her daughters have "issues"--we both apparently have doctors in it for the money. Yes, I had to get that one jab in :-P

All That Glitters

2010-04-27T11:49:00.000-06:00

cold virus((me X 2) + him) + final exams (5) + presentations (3) overdue bills (3) + female roommate (1) + 2 year old (1) + (- sex life) + (-$500 I don't have for CD3 b/w) + (- AF) + CD32 + BFN + rainy days (5!) + endo bloat = One Bitchy Biz

And then I found body glitter all over his bath towel. To be specific, I used his towel and was left standing there covered in body glitter. Like the expensive, super fine grain, kind. The kind I've never owned. The kind my female roommate (who never uses my bathroom, much less my boyfriend's used towel) doesn't even have. The kind that when I sent him a text asking (half-jokingly) about it, he immediately got super defensive about. So defensive that he got mad that I "would even think I would cheat on you with B". B being my best friend and roommate. Who I mess occasionally around with. Who I know DAMN well would love to bang SoccerBoy BUT would never ever EVER act on those feelings for a number of reasons. Including the minor detail that without me, she'd be sitting at a battered women's shelter/homeless right now.

I honestly have no concerns about him cheating-- I have too much trust in him. On top of that, he doesn't have the time for anyone else unless he found somebody who happens to live on the way home from his current jobsite. And who also happens to not mind afternoon quickies with a guy in his diesel, torch fuel, and grease covered work clothes. I trust him.

What I am concerned about, is his aggravated attitude that's been around the last week or two. He insists (now, anyway, earlier it was the added stress of having 2 more people in the hous--totally understandable) that all the aggravation stems from frustrations regarding out inability to get the bills all paid. To which I said:

"I've been trying to get you to sit down & work out a budget for the past 6 months; I'm working as much as I can and still go to school, and I just put $500 of my babysitting money (previously earmarked IF moneys) into the bills fund--Fuck off."

After various texting & phone calls to both SoccerBoy & B, the glitter still has unknown origins.

UGH!

2010-04-24T22:30:00.000-06:00

I should really avoid the IF blogrolls late at night when I'm tired.

I just torture myself.

My future is a place of hope... and fear unimaginable that my hope is in vain.

A Penny Saved?

2010-04-24T22:19:00.000-06:00

The saving has started... earlier than I expected.

This first round of bloodwork with $550, not counting the baseline ultrasound.

I know. It's barely a drop in the bucket compared to the thousands I'll be paying in the no-longer-quite-so-distant-future.

So the sleep deprivation begins. Starting with more overnight babysitting! I'm sure I've mentions the triplets before: born at 32 weeks, E has Down's, and I've been babysitting & providing night nanny services for them since they were 4 months old. And at $215/17 hour night shift, that's only 3 nights to pay for my b/w.

Now, here's my minor mental dilemma: I'm, like, 99.9% positive the triplets were conceived using ART of some form. I mean, momboss is obviously over 30, triplets aren't common, and from a few casual comments, that's my ASSumtion. Key word being assumption.

Part of me *really* wants to say "hey, I'm trying to save for ART because of xyz & I'd love any hours you can give me". But I kinda feel out-of-line asking that. But I could really use the extra money and I think, from past experience, they might give me more hours if they know what I'm saving for. Or not. She might be offended that assumed she needed help conceiving. Who knows.

Either way, I'm too chicken to ask. Maybe I'll email her like a real loser...

How early?! (lil TMI)

2010-04-22T14:37:00.000-06:00

I've decided to start charting. I bought Taking.Charge a couple years ago when I had multiple women recommend it on the now extinct endo board. I actually loaned it to a classmate, who never brought it back, so I bought a new copy a few weeks ago. I've been thinking about it ever since I went off bcps, telling SoccerBoy I could use the method to avoid any oopsies (I know, there's that f-ed up humor again).

I never got around to it. And now, after over 6 months of rarely protected sex (now never protected) I think we've concluded Dr. S *might* just be right about this whole "your ovaries suck" thing.

But that's neither here nor there.

Since I'm planning on all this b/w, I've been acutely aware of what's going on "down there".

Tangent!! Hehe. B & I went to the Vagina Monologues Friday night and all week I've had various euphamisms for my coochie-snatcher rolling around my head. I've been cracking myself up all week!

ANYWAY, even though I've been to lazy to wake up & temp ~~everyday~~ at all, I've just been paying way, way, waaay too much time examining my cm & cervical position. So all month lonth I've been waiting for the stringy egg white stuff because I'm very curious when in my cycle I ovulate. Nada.

Monday, I had that appointment down at CCRM and knew he wanted to run a baseline u/s so I checked my cervix and it was very low & very open. Which I told him when he asked if I knew where I was in my cycle, I said "well my cervix is low & open but I haven't had any ewm so I think I'm just about to ovulate". Which he promptly disregarded. His coordinator said "well if you're past CD14 it's too late". So that's a first--the first annoying time the doc/nurse went of the stupid CD14 rule instead of listening to me. As soon as I left I started thinking about that-- next time I want PROOF I'm right.

I'm currently at CD 26 and saw a only hint of ewm yesterday. Honestly staring to wonder if I'm ovulating normally (DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know cm is not an indication that I did in fact ovulate. Thanks.) Then today, I go pee & look down (cause I'm nuerotic enought to always look when I wipe) and there's a 2 inch strand of ewm hanging out of me. Ew? Yes. But I TOLD YOU SO DR. S!!

Now I feel motivated enought to start temping b/c HELLO? CD26?! That's so not "normal"... If I actually was actively ttc right now, there wouldn't be a snowball's chance in hell if I only bd'd around CD14. Maybe that means my cycles are getting longer again...? After stopping bcps, they varied between 32-38 days for the first 4 months or so, but for the last 3 cycles it's been regular as the mail man.

Thus, with no further adeiu, I announce that this bitch starts temping tomorrow. It shouldn't be that bad since SB gets up at 4--Yes FOUR-- everyday for work. The weekends will totally suck my ass though.

Random weird cramps this week too. Like I can feel some really deep tendons or muscles pinching/pulling or something. Not really painful, just more uncomfortable and kinda odd. That's probably related to the cold I've been fighting of for the past week. I've actually puked 3 days this week from all the snot draining down my gut. That, and the copious amounts of green tea I've been drinking for the caffeine. More on that later.

Hi. My name is Biz and I'm infertile.

2010-04-21T14:44:00.000-06:00

I had my re-group with Dr. S Monday afternoon and I wasn't nervous at all!

Okay, maybe a little... But compared to the sweaty palms/jittery nerves/WHATTHEHELL AM I DOING HERE usual response... I'll take what I can get.

Maybe that means I finally took a baby step towards acceptance. OBVIOUSLY, I'm not talking about "oh well--no babies for me!" kinda of acceptance. I don't really know how to explain it...

I guess I always felt like an outsider there. The looks from women MUCH older than me... I could almost hear their thoughts:

"I though surrogates waited somewhere else..."
"She MUST be an egg donor... Stupid bitch with her functioning ovaries."
"Why is SHE here? She's barely old enough to drink!"

And I'm going to even TOUCH on how I felt when the receptionsist asked if I was there for a retreival last year... Or the how when I try to call & talk to my nurse I'm always told "Which IVF nurse is yours--Dr. S doesn't see gyno-only patients" WANNA BET?!

Maybe it's that whole the-more-you-talk-about-it-the-better-you-feel-thing.

So having to explain to 5 (FIVE!) different receptionists/nurses/schedulers that YES I have endo, YES I'm one of Dr. S's patients, and NO I'm not trying to start an IVF cycle was all for my own good.

Kinda like when I called my old PCP in TX to see if her office could run my b/w when I'm down there. Because of course I planned a trip to see family the weekend AF is supposed to arrive. That was an interesting phone call.

By now, its probably run-of-the-mill for some of you ladies to tey to schedule this stuff, but calling my old doc (who happens to treat my parents & siblings AND is their's pastor's wife) and talking openly about IF was weird.

It made this seem real...er? I don't think any of this will seem real until I have the b/w run again and see in black&white from 4 hormones tests and a baseline u/s... or more likely will always seem so surreal.

I ~~think~~ KNOW that part of me is still in denial, that somehow the tests will show I'm "perfect". But that part of me is getting smaller & smaller every day.

I don't think that's a bad thing.

So not this cycle, because I totally can't come up with $500 in a week... but approximately May 26th, I'll be stabbed, poked & prodded. And appoximately a week later, I'll be back here with some interesting numbers. I don't even know what's "normal" for some of these tests, I guess it's back to Dr. Goo.gle. Still irritated I can't get on the web.md boards anymore. Losers.

The Official Timeline

2010-04-17T21:55:00.000-06:00

So. I would appear that I have set thte wheels in motion for a babymaking timeline. Scary, right? I sure think so...

As of today, I have 3 weeks of class before finals. Completely ignoring the homework I have to get caught up on in the next week, the simple fact that time is quicking rushing by freaks. me. OUT!

For the past 15ish months, ever since I got The News, I've told myself there's nothing I can "do" about IF right now. I can't play with hormones while I'm in school--I just CAN'T. I know what bcps and Lupron did to me emotional and mentally, so I'm sure as hell not touching a medicated cycle until I graduate. And graduation is so far away... right...? Not anymore! I'm officially set to now graduate in May of 2011! Exciting in some ways, not so much in others... So call it the serenity prayer, call it denial, WHATEVER! I chose to sit here, not really pretending I didn't have a problem, but knowing I couldn't change said problem. At the same time, I still haven't had my CD3 work-up that was recommended...oh...15 months ago? to help determine if my ovaries really are prematurely aging as drastically as the AMH seems to relay. I chose not to have the testing done for a few reasons:

As soon as fuckface & I separated, I went back on the pill. Girl's got needs, especially when rebounding, and I was not about to get KU'd by anyone.
I was on bcps--easy excuse--at least until this past fall when I decided ENOUGH with the synthetic hormones. Yes, that's right. Over 6 months of completely unprotected sex. Unless you count IF as protection! hahahahaha *gasp*--G-d, my humour amazes even me.
Its EXPENSIVE!! Do I need to eat & put gas in my car, or find out how fucked I am...?
Last, but def not least, I AM SCARED SHITLESS!!!

I think part of me stills thinks thisis all one big mistake. Like, somehow, the lab techs mixed up my blood with some other woman's and my AMH is perfectly normal. Like, maybe being symptom free (except 2 days/month) means the endo disappeared and I don't have to worry about having kids until I decide I'm "ready".

On the other hand, a huge chunk of my heart cries everyday. Some part of brain knows that blood doesn't lie. That thousands of women have stage 4 endo like me--but never know it until they try to conceive. That if I have my CD3 bloodwork run, my results will be JUST as dismal as the AMH. That this curse is devouring my baby-making machine like an oil spill on a fruitful beach.

My deepest fear has always been never having a family of my own. And I know that I will have that family, whether it be biologically related to me or not. But I'm still terrified to know the whole picture.

So:

In June of 2010--yes, only 18 months after the RE recommended it--I will be having my CD3 work-up.
In May of 2011, I'll graduate with my bachelor's degree.
In the fall of 2011, I finish student teaching and become a certified teacher
In June 2011, I will be prepping for an egg retreival

I'm terrified.

Surely I'm not the only one who noticed...

2010-03-18T14:45:00.001-06:00

I been having a really rough few weeks: school's been kicking my ass with papers, projects, and midterms, family & friends in town, working extra hours, and HOURS on the phone arguing with CSRs about my bank account... All in all I'm exhausted.

Beyond exhausted.

To the point that I literally had to hide my tears in bed last night...because SoccerBoy flinched when my prickly legs made contact. That was it--he didn't say anything--just a flinch. But I had to roll over and calm myself down because *really*; that's a pretty pathetic reason to cry.

Yes, my legs are *that* prickly. Wait, it gets better: I haven't worn make-up in over a week, put on lotion in days, or been to yoga in over a month. Which is kinda my point: I've been so tired and busy lately that any and ALL spare time is devoted to sleeping. Weird part is that I'm still barely clocking 6, maybe 7, hours of sleep per 24.

So last night, after another midterm, I told SoccerBoy I wanted to pick up Chi.pot.le and veg out with a good movie and snuggles until bed time. Great idea! He suggests a movie a friend loaned him: Couple's Retreat.

Now, some of you may have actually heard more about this movie than me-- all I saw were the stereotypical romcom trailers with hot women and their overweight husbands going on vacation & getting more than they bargained for. Please keep my aforementioned mindset in mind when you considered the first 30 minutes:

4 couples.
1: man recently went through bitter divorce, so he brought a "woman" who's young & dumb & wants to do everything but says all the wrong things. Funny. Kinda of. Until I found out 5 minutes in that SoccerBoy's friend thought that couple was JUST like us... NICE

2: just pretending to hold their marraige together long enough for their daughter to leave for college. Depressing but usual fodder for such high class films...

3: so busy with work, life, & kids that they don't even realize how nonexistant their relationship is. I thought this couple seemed the most realistic... Until:

#4: This couple seems at first to just be one of those corporate couples that discusses everything with memos and powerpoints because... Well, that's what they know. Like my Dad sometimes.

And then right out of no where: this couple isn't as cold as they seem! They've only spent the last year in the midst of ART/IVF. Not only that, but they're considering divorce after EIGHT years of marriage because of all the wide reaching effects of struggling with IF. And this "vacation", is a last hope effort to save their relationship.

WOW

And there I was trying to relax because every other aspect of my life is kicking my ass right now when BAM!

"Oh, did you forget? Just thought I'd remind you about your scarred tubes, shriveled peanut of a left ovary, oh--and the fact that the sad cold couple on the brink of signing the divorce papers?? THAT COULD BE YOU IN 5 YEARS..."

Since when is infertility material for romcoms?!?!

I need a fucking break.

Chapter 1: Family Ties

2010-03-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Family. That's a big word.

When I think family, my first gut reaction is pain. If I think about it (which I usually avoid) I can attribute this pain to anger, bitterness, resentment... but in all honesty, I think all that stems from rejection and betrayal. A complete lack of trust. Knowing that when I allowed myself to trust in my family, to reach out for that supporting hand, it wasn't there. I fell. And sometimes it was family that pried that last grasping finger from the edge of the cliff.

It isn't *fair*, per se, to blame my distrust of family only on my own immediate family... they just layed the foundation. J's family hurt me too. How did my MIL go from treating me as a daughter to conspiring to leave me destitute in the divorce?? Granted, I felt secure--maybe too secure. I knew his parents anf family would always have HIS back & I thought that meant MY back too. I knew when we struggled, they helped us out. I knew that Jeani wanted a grandbaby as badly as I wanted to bring her one. And I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they would support us in every way to help us reach that goal. And then. Well, we all know it's a rare occasion that a family stays friends with the ex... Yes, some people are blessed like that. Me? Not so much. Not a word since the papers were filed. Yeah, she said I could call if I ever needed anything but yeah right.

But then again, I fell in love with J's family almost before I fell in love with him. They welcomed me with open arms, with an acceptance I had NEVER felt in my own family. They made me feel like "hey, maybe some families DO love unconditionaly!" I felt like I could act like myself around them--no need to pretend to be perfect. It was to the point that his mom was trying to talk me into sticking around for her son... at least at first.

My parents were always the "my family, my rules" authoratarian parenting style type. Not gonna lie, I had my bad moments... But when I was struggling to pull myself up (gotten off the drugs, moved out of the bad-situation house, cut off the bad friends) and was literally without a doorway to sleep in, I called my parents. The one time I had asked for help with ANYTHING pretty much since I turned 18. And their response? "I've heard there's a nice shelter downtown" Yeah, I know if I thought my kid was on drugs I prob wouldn't want him or her to come home to live with my younger kids... but Seriously? I'd like to think I would offer some kind of help...

I love how in this chapter Jennifer talks about Hannah's family history. My mom *appears* to have had no trouble conceiving... 7 kids in 11 years? But I remember our family group praying for my mom's painful "scar tissue"... endo maybe? I don't know... I know my sister was on Clomid for 6 months and tried 1 IUI before conceiving naturally the following cycle. I know a few weeks ago my mom said she had just had a "minor gynacological procedure" that morning. She only mentioned it because it was "minor" enough that she couldn't drive from 3 weeks... it would nice to talk about these "issues" with my mom.

I think my *Idea* version of family fits with G-d's definition of family... Maybe not right now since I'm shackin up with SoccerBoy... But eventually I know I want a wife & husaband living together uder G-d, raising their children to follow G-d's word. I guess having trouble reconciling my life to G-d's desires shows me how much work I need to do. It is bad to say I know G-d will meet me where I am? To know that I don't have to change everything at once? Or does it make me a hypocrit?

Playdate! And the professor from hell...

2010-03-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

One of these days, I want a perfect day. Not necessarily where everything goes my way... just a day without any big issues.

Still more exhausted than usual--8 hours sleep last night & I still napped for 2+ hours with Ryan this morning. Gotta figure out what's up with that. I really was pretty damn proud of myself for weaning my poor body off caffeine. But now I'm thinking a caffeine-free college career while working full-time and still having *somewhat* of a life... is impossible.

After nap, Sean Ryan & I were getting ready to sit down to lunch when B called! She and my unofficial god-daughter Shybaby were coming for lunch & a playdate! She brought over some yummy chicken & it was a riot watching Shy try to get the chicken & honey to her mouth. Honey everywhere! B's blown off the last 2 playdates so I guess she figured she owed me some lunch :-) Ryan had apparently forgotten them, so it took a few minutes to warm up, but 15 minutes later he and Shy were running around hand-in-hand. Cute. The nice part about being a nanny is that since I'm at work, somehow I can turn of my own baby-craving issues... They still come back later... usually when I'm trying to get to sleep... but at least I'm not breaking down at work. Even the triplets keep me so busy I barely have time to think. I guess some of these walls I've built up work pretty well lol.

And then my stupid prof had to ruin my day. Ok so some responsibility is my own BUT STILL! She wrote me a 2 page email demanding "explanations" & "apologies" for missing an assignment and coming to class late. She also questions my "rather casual attitude" in regards to the course and questions how I was able to work when I was too sick to attend class. Really. Oh, IDK... Maybe that whole working 40 hours when sick thing made me just a *litttle* too beat to sit through your boring-ass lectures. Just a thought. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm a slacker student sometimes, but I can honestly say I've never had a prof demand an apology for it.

She is my ECE field experience professor. Meaning she helps me get set up in a preschool for a 1 day/week internship. Or she was supposed to anyway. Apparently she felt overburdened and so recuited another prof to help her out. JJ, the assistant prof, scheduled my internship at the school I wanted (Bal.S.wan WOOT-WOOT!) and discussed every step of the process with both me and the prof. (the prof is getting confusing. to simplify, I'll call her BritishBitch. Ha!) Anyway, BritishBitch is apparently disorganized & forgetful so when I emailed her the details of my internship, she freaked. And I mean FREAKED. Long hate email about me "disregarding school policy" by arranging my own internship. Wait--WTF?!? JJ called me less than an hour later--she got the same email and was JUST as flabbergasted. I wrote a very respectful apology letter expressing my utter confusioon and Lo & behold the next day when BritishBitch wrote me a apology for freakin out. loser.

hrmph.

very mature vocabulary today.

Hannah's Hope leads to MY Hope

2010-03-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

3 pages in and I realized this is the devotional I've been begging for for months.

Church is hard. Pretended I didn't need G-d for a long time and I've been missing H-m and the fellowship of church for a long time. BUT-- How do I get back where I need--and WANT--to be? Asked a number of people for good "devotional" books to get me started but came up empty. If I hear one more person say "all you need is the Bible", I ight should chunk one at them! Then I go online to purchase 1 book, and end up "randomly" deciding to buy one of those "most people buy these books too" packages. And lo and behold a IF book written from a Christian perspective & peppered throughout with scriptures for EVERYTHING I've been questioning lately.

I can't put it down! So I'm rushing through it once before I actually start REALLY reading it. As in, sitting down with my Bible, praying and gushing my thought & emotions out into the blogging world. And to hold myself accountable, I'm writing down my intention here: ~~16 chapters in no more than 8 weeks. (I'm afraid of committing myself to a chapter/day with school. That's bullshit. I have enough time to play on FB!!)~~ I WILL SPEND TIME EVERYDAY DEVOTING MYSELF TO RECONNECTING WITH G-D!! Period. I hope to come out of this experience with a little more peace.... and if I stick with G-d, I know I will be able to unload some of my burden onto H-m.

Eventually anyway.

Catching up on life

2010-03-03T15:07:00.001-07:00

In the last three weeks, I've gone on "vacation", had 2 bad colds, and moved with less than a week's notice. Well, technically we'd been planning on moving for a while. But still-- less than a week from apartmant application being filed to having all our stuff packed & moved.

I'm beat. Exhausted. Drained. So it MUST be the perfect time to start listening to the voices in my head. LMAO. Now I sound nuts. Ever since my birthday and the accompaning melt-down, I'm been (avoiding) thinking about WHY it hit me so hard. As much as I loved J, I honestly think the still-remaining pain has more to do with the end of the potential of a family than the end of our marraige.

Confusing, I know.

But I'm sure anyone with a cancelled/postponed cycle can sympathize a least a little... It'd been less than 6 months since our official "try now or never" speech. I'd been waiting on my cycles to re-regulate themselves for 2 months so we could start the first rounds of testing for an IUI the next cycle. After being on Lupron for the 4 months before and fresh out of surgery to remove adhesions-- THIS was our moment to try! But I had to demand that we work on our issues first. And he HAD to refuse. And there went my... Dream?

So-- in my quest to come to terms with...um?... everything? I've purchased 4 infertility "support" books and plan on working my way through them. In between power.point presentations, field experiences, and massive numbers of essays that is.

First on the block: "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. This book is from a Christian perspective--something I've been searching for for a while! From the back cover: "Jennifer & her husband Rick are the founders of Hannah's Hope Ministries, a nonprofit org whose mission is to help women who are infertile or who have suffered miscarriage or adoption loss. Since their infertility battle began in 1992, the Saakes have lost 10 children to miscarriages & failed adoption attempts and have been blessed with 2 living miracles."

And I guess I'll just pretend the divorce didn't happen. For now anyway. I might need a professional for that one.

Too pooped to poop

2010-02-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

We got the apartment! And spent almost every waking moment trying to get moved during the snowstorm.

And that's all the energy I have for now.

"While we're waiting...

2010-02-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

"...while we're waiting, we'll think up a song... oh please sing along"

Ever hear Mr. Rogers sing that? I always thought is sounded like he made it up on the spot. Healthy respect for the former Navy Seal to come up with that randomness.

So today:

Paddi.ngton.Station! I get to visit a play based preschool for one of my classes :-) Actually, I'm sitting in the school parking lot now because I *assumed* traffic would be nasty with the snow. Not so much.
Class. Not excited about this one. Had a major miscommunication with my prof after missing the last 2 classes due to sickness. Ugh. Long story short, she forgot what was going on and thought I "disregarded school procedure" by scheduling my own field experience/internship. I didn't do anything wrong, but still a little nervous to see her again.
APARTMENT!!! That's right--we *might* be getting keys to our new apartment today! Soccerboy's headed over there right now with his pay stubs for his new job and *hopefully*, if everything goes as planned and the apartments keep their end of the deal... We can start moving tomorrow! I can not express in words how excited I am to FINALLY be ***This*** close to be out of my tiny ass apartment. I mean seriously: we're talking less than 600 sq ft. Pathetic. But our new apt is 1100 sqft, with a w/d & fireplace and ROOM! Yay!

So there's my day :-) I'll update later with any news... EEK! so excited now!

Mardi who?

2010-02-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yep. I did it. I finally made it to Mardi Gras.

Or at least with an hour of it.

That's right. Soccer Boy and I drove 19 hours to Lafayette, Louisiana to celebrate Mardi Gras with his family before heading to New Orleans. We made it to Dallas before I started to feel it. By the time we arrived Friday afternoon just in time to change and head to the bar, I had a nasty cold. We went to one parade Saturday morning, went out to lunch and I was done. Went back to his parents' house to catch a nap and I didn't wake up til Sunday morning. Thoroughly disappointed in myself for sleeping away my mini-vacation. But somehow still grateful for my much needed rest.

Forgetting my mom is on Face.Book, I posted something about the ridiculous snow on the drive there. So she insisted we stop by to see her on our way back. Yes, my parents were totally on the way--like less than 10 minutes from the hwy-- but they have never met Soccer Boy. In fact, as far as I know, they knew I was dating. And that's it. So 20 months after walking me down the aisle, my dad got to meet my new boyfriend. Lunch at the parentals' house. yay.

It really wasn't that bad... well, until my lil bro informed me we bothed reeked of the skunky stuff. That was a nervous moment. But HEY--I finally have my MMJ card so I'm LEGAL. In Colorado anyway.

One of my prof's knew I was blowing off class last Thursday to go to Mardi Gras and he apparently had a bet going with my classmates. He was convinced I would be arrested... or at least given a ticket. I walked into class Tuesday maybe 5 minutes late to a chorus of ohhh!s and told you so!s. Nice to know I give off that drunken idiot vibe. Then again, this is the same prof who said I should come to class drunk so he can hear my southern accent come out. Interesting professor...

In my best Dr. Frankenstein voice:

2010-02-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

SHE'S ALIVE!!!

And that's all I'm going to say about my excessive abscence.

It's been an interesting few months. Soccer Boy FINALLY got a new job and--even better-- it's on base so gets paid "prevailing wage". Which works out to just over $32/hour. Yay! Which means we can FINALLY move. *happy dance*

After much discussion and wavering back&forth because of both of our serious committment issues, we finally determined we would move to a bigger & better but still kinda cheap apartment. That way, we can save mucho dinero and *hopefully* have a down payment for a house this time next year.

Yes.

I know.

I've been divorced less than a year (okay, technically I've been emotionally divorced for JUST over one year but still, you get the friggin point) and yet I'm considering BUYING A HOUSE with the new guy?!?!?

Certifiably nuts I tell you. Don't worry, I'm fully aware I'm not emotionally ready for anything close to that--even a "serious" (whatever the hell THAT means) relationship. I mean whoa already. HA! perfect example that I never mentioned since I disappeared...

My birthday. Tense all day long for the sole reason that....drumroll please.... I left my ex-husband on my birthday last year. I did not tell Soccer Boy this. IDK why... I guess I thought knowing how shitty my b-day was last year would put too much pressure on him to do something really special and I would end up disappointed no matter what. Cause I'm neurotic like that.

My birthday was on a Wednesday this year, so Soccer Boy takes me out the weekend before and spends HOURS with me at the mall shopping & talking. Then he takes me to 2 different "adult" stores for some more shopping. (Yes-- Soccer Boy loves my freaky side and we had a wonderful evening. I knew you were wondering.) Summary--great day.

So then on my actual birthday, he didn't have anything planned b/c, as far as he knew, it was kinda just another day since we celebrated that weekend. So we go out to eat at our usual Old Chicago and halfwaay through my 4th beer...wait for it..... I start crying. Long story short, I finally get out WHY I'm upset & we head over to my best friend's house. Stopping at the liquor store first cause I needed something harder than beer. Armed with my handle of Jack, we walk in the door and I literally don't stop crying for HOURS. Soccer boy sat on the couch chatting with Brit's roommate while I had a complete meltdown. And he apologized. Over and over again. And then he held me until I cried myself to sleep.

So. OBVIOUSLY I have a few unsettled issues regarding my ex-husband. Oh--did I mention that cocksucker sent me a "Happy Birthday" text?!?! Fucking piece of lobster shit...

Anyway, this afternoon I will be dropping off applications for our new apartment. Maybe next week I'll find a therapist.

Good thing I bought the 3-pack...

2009-12-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've become a complete hypo.chondriac.

Since I've stopped bcps, I've freaked out a lil every time AF is due because ~~condoms are only 95% effective~~ we screw up (literally LMAO--not) every month and "forget" to use a condom. (Seriously, though, super inconvenient: "oops! hold on a sec babe, lemme jump out of the shower and run to the nightstand to grab a rubber!") For the first two cycles, I was taking red clo.ver, which somehow managed to prevent my period. IDK how. I just didn't take it one morning (on accident the first month, on purpose the second) and POOF! there came AF about 6-10 hours later. Last month, I felt pretty confident that my cycles are 30-31 days now, even accounting for the stupid clover.

Yet here I am on CD 35 with nothing.

But it's not NOTHING. That's the scary part. let's break it down, shall we?

Tuesday (CD 32) I had the scantest, tiniest bit of pale pink spotting.
Thursday (CD34) I realized (SMACK to the forehead) I was over-due and since I'm a responsible (HA!) sexually active adult, I picked up an HPT on the way home from the gym. Imagine my complete and UTTER surprise when there was a line, despite the fact I had seriously downed at least half a gallon of water in the previous 3 hours. I don't *think* it was an evap line b/c it was blue and well... no matter how hard I stared I couldn't make myself believe I was seeing things. Finally went to bed, trying to hide how much I was freaking out. I did not do a good job. At least he just though I was bitchy...
Today (CD35) I took another test asap in the morning, fully expecting to see a DARK blue line. Cause like I said, the first test was done using some pretty pale urine... It was blank. COMPLETELY. Well, except for the control line of course... But no blue dots. No anything. The I got in the shower and was washing my bb's when white fluid oozed out of my right nipple. W...T....F?!?!?!?

SO-- now what?! I'm working all weekend until Monday morning so at least I'll be able to avoid pissing off SoccerBoy with my misdirected stress... And I already packed my last test in my overnight bag so I can avoid using it until Sunday. Good thing I bought the 3 pack.

But I'm completely confused. I know blue line tests are more likely to show a false positive and/or evap line. And I guess I'm going to have to tell myself that it was a false positive. But I was already picturing Dr. S's face when I told him I had a bfp... damn guy is nice but come on... nobody wants to hear "IVF-way or the highway" at 23.

On a side note, B left her abusive common-law hubby wednesday (long story involving guns, cops, and some seriously nosey neighbors) and I promised to go out with her for a few drinks tonight. I know I'll end up asking her advice about this. Should I ask before or after my first drink? Or should I get the bartender to make me virgin mixed drinks until I know for sure???

Let's see if I make it til Sunday...

Generation X: Serial Monogomy and Divorce?

2009-12-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

I know. I haven't posted anything in a long-ass time. In my defense, there's been a shitload going on. And now I'm stuck at a crossroads. Advice PLEASE!

Sooo.... where to start? Background:

The union has unofficially said "fuck off you scab" to Nick. He's been a steel worker for 7 years, has all the training and field experience and has been paying union dues since August. And since AUGUST, they've been telling him "the job [that will prompt a hiring frenzy] will start in two weeks"... So he's been on unemployment. Finally, he has found a non-union job that was supposed to start yesterday. But for some reason, steel workers don't work snow/ice and sub-zero temps... go figure. When this job actually starts he'll be bringing home about 20/hour... but that's without ANY benefits and a 40hours/week cap. Perspective: Union jobs make at least 22.50/hour take home, plus health/vision/dental/pension plan/and the wive's fund, plus if a company does have to lay you off, the union finds you a new job.

We also NEED to move. We're still in my *tiny* one bedroom apt that literally has 14 inches of counter space and has a HELL NO pet policy. So technically, we could get evicted any day know for having my two (incredibly loud) cats. Last night we're talking and he suggests we find another somewhat small/cheap apt, and then save up for the next 6 months to have a down payment for a house. Not gonna lie--that sounds like adream come true :-) But since I'm not lying, the thought also scares the shit out of me.

So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how much loyalty/time/chunk of my heart I owe a guy I've been dating for 8 months. I mean, is it fair to him to ask "is he really who I want to be with forever" when we're "just dating"? But we're not "just dating". Through some interesting circumstances, we're living together. At what point do you have to make a decision? I don't want to live with another guy for 2 or 3 years and then have my life ripped out from underneath me {again} b/c it doesn't work out for whatever reason. At what point to you ask "is there someone better out there"? And better how? Job? Education? Family? Moral compass? Am I just wanting to see greener grass over yonder?

I'll be 24 in February. According to my doc, I don't have much longer before it'll be the IVFway or the highway. Should I be holding out for a man who'd be able to easily (haha!) afford IVF? Or should I stick with what I've got because we're both ready for a family? Should I even be factoring this into my decision?

At what point do I "settle"--No, not settle... more of being content with what I have and who I'm with. I did that once and yeah... we all know how that ended. Is it "normal" in today's society--or more accurately, is it HEALTHY--to live with someone before you even think about whether or not he/she's THE someone? Is this just my brain trying to protect my heart? Or is my divorce-ruined heart and cynical, emotionally-damaged brain getting in the way of my heart?

But I have to pay for mine!

2009-11-26T18:08:00.001-07:00

So....

Thanksgiving with Soccerboy: went to his cousins' aunt's house. Soccerboy has a twin brother... Who is married with a 5 month old. 30 minutes after we arrive: "you know, now you guys need one!" Soccerboy's response: "yeah, but I have to pay for mine!"

WTF am I supposed to take from that?!?!

But I have to pay for mine!

2009-11-26T18:07:00.001-07:00

The Vague, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2009-11-14T16:36:00.001-07:00

The Good:
Date night tonight! Working until 4, but then Soccerboy (New name for N-- no me gusta initials) and I are going to the Ava.lange game! I haven't been to a hockey game since I was... in middle school? And it's just him and me... Well us and the thousands of other people. BUT not his brother or mutual friends :)

The bad:
Sena woke up Friday and wouldn't/couldn't walk (background: dev delayed & mostly deaf 3 yo I care for). His parents *think* it's a strained muscle from too much PT this week... I don't know, but my heart broke to see him in pain. We went to the aquarium and he was so frustrated because he wanted to walk SO bad--but when he tried, he'd fall. Please pray for quick and complete recovery from whatever the problem is!

The Ugly:
The bitch still hasn't come. Officially CD 35 and no cramping, no moodiness, no ANYTHING! Even that twinging on my right side has stopped. For the record, I did give in and POAS Thursday after work: 2 days past ETA and I'd been holding my pee for 3-4 hours... Just in case, I'm picking up another test on my way home from work. I'll frickin clamp my bladder closed for the next 5 hours to be sure it's accurate. I've already decided to wait until I'm at least 3 weeks late before scheduling an u/s to look for cysts-- and through my primary cause I'd prefer the 20 minute drive over the 1.5 hour drive when I "know" what the problem is...

The Vague:
So... 'Member that "friend" that fucked me over? Yeah... She IM'd me Thursday and asked if we could get together for drinks. Cause I'm a slow learner and she was acting so weird, I said yes.

Three hours and a few lo.ng isla.nds later, I learned a few things. Namely, she's been in intensive therapy since shortly after we "broke up". She's now working and making more than her controlling asshole of a husband. So with the financial independence and the therapy, she's becoming more independent and he's treating her better... Cause he knows she changing and close to leaving his ass in the dust.She spent the last 2 months nursing my "niece" back to health-- her daughter still loved me like an aunt even if her mom is...something. Beebo is only 2 years old: got croup then the piggy flu then brochitis THEN pneumonia but the hospital refused to admit her b/c it was after 5 and they "couldn't contact" the primary doc. FUCK North Sub.urban btw!!
Supposedly, she wanted to call me a while ago to try to apologize, but my ex decided to tell everybody I moved to TX in August... Or so she says... But her neighbor knew I was here. So either A: they weren't gossiping about me--yay-- and my ex is still confirming what an absolute douch-bag he is OR B: she's still a lying sack of shit.

Haven't figured out which one it is yet... And I know I might be seeing the changes because I *want* her to have changed. I want to have that no-secrets-between-us relationship with the side of her that's... IDK--not crazy?! But-- how do I know if it's sincere or how long it'll take the crazy bitch to come back out. As her neighbor/my friend(ish) said "better watch your back"... Word.

Well, this is a first...

2009-11-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

Note: non-TTC chick bitching about her late period. IFers: If it's a bad day, you might wanna skip

I'm currently on CD 32 and just realized it. Meaning, I'm two days late and just realized it. This is a first for me. An even bigger first: I don't really care. But, I care that I don't care... metacognition anyone?

I'm thinkin really hard and I'm pretty sure the last time this happened was when I was 16 y.o. virgin. You know, back when periods were nothing but an inconvenience? For the last 8 (holy shit! I feel old...) years, I have been:

A: On bcp's: the handy dandy stopwatch that keeps track of your cycle days for you
B: On continuous bcp's: no periods, but still the script to refill every 28 days
C: On Lu.pron: no periods, but a gigantic needle I had to shove in my ass every 28 days
OR
D: Anxiously waiting for my period because of b/w, u/s, surgeries, or switching from one med to another

I also managed to have that overwhelmingly stupid "am I or am I not" convo in my head every month, too. The one that happens every month despite the 1.5 functioning ovaries that 2-out-of-3 cycles form massive cysts, AND the dismally low AMH score, AND the various chemicals & hormones I've been pumped full of, AND despite the fact I've been on some fome of birth control almost the entire time.

But this cycle: no hormones at all, not even any prescriptions! And I'm late. No twinges of AF coming-- no moodiness, cramping, bloating, back ache--just a weird pinching on my right side. Then last night, I felt an odd pain on that side when we were having sex... like N was hitting something but it was kinda "rolling" out of the way--very cyst-like. But no other pain. Then today, the same pinching pain on right side, plus there's a "full" kinda feeling and it's tender when I press on it (gently of course). What side is my appendix on again?

I really don't have any motivation to poas b/c believe it or not, I'd really rather not know... Despite being TTC a mere 9 months ago and as much as I want to be pg at some point, now is not that time. And damn it-- I'm so sick of cysts!! So I'm not going to do anything...at least not yet. No point in wasting money on an HPT when I'm 99.9% sure that I'm late because of a cyst on my right ovary...which will most likely pop and send AF the very minute I poas.

ugh

Free yoga and pilates classes!

2009-11-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

If you live in Denver, you should look into the Aura.ria Campus's Healthy Moves Program. The program is FREE and open to the public. They offer yoga, pilates, Qigong, and belly dancing classes through out the week and also have free yoga workshops on Saturdays, about once a month.

Tomorrow, they are hosting a Salutations workshop from 10-1 in the dance studio (2nd floor, PE building).

The really amazing part of this program, besides the FREE part, is the teachers are so special! Hansa is the proprietot of the Prana Yoga and Ayurvedic Mandala Center here in Denver and Patricia... wow. She developed the first prenatal yoga classes in 1970's, started the first academic yoga classes in America right here at Metro, and has studied with some amazing yogis. Her resume made me feel...almost intimidated? But what I really love is her presence: she seems to radiate peace. She makes me want to dive deeper into my own practice...

Anyway, check out the healthy moves program!

So there

2009-11-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was planning on being at the park right now, but Ry-Ry decided he wanted to nap early. (FYI: infant sign language, while it can delay speech, is the bomb. He first asked for a nap at 8 months. That's. Fricken. Awesome.) Anyway, abnormal child psyc exam tomorrow and I haven't studied at all. So this little blurb is my post of the day--if I'm lucky, I might try again later.

Namaste

Aw shucks!

2009-11-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's right! I don't think I've shut up since I started talking, to the dismay of almost everyone whose stayed around to hear me... but apparently my ramblings have some entertainment value after all!

Muchas Gracias Caitlin!

Rules:

1) Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

1) I own snowboard boots and bindings (nice ones, too!), but no board. And I've only taken one lesson.
2) I find jelly beans, raisins, and cookie dough revolting.
3) I often find myself jealous of my older sister: the doctor's son with the trust fund hubby, the two (2) houses they paid cash for, the nephew I still haven't met...
4) Even though I grew up in the hills of North Georgia, I've never eaten grits and the only southern food I can cook is green beans-- but DAMN they are yummy!
5) I second-guess myself even when I'm second-guessing myself... or do I?
6) My second biggest fear (after the whole "your ovaries are dying!!" thing of course) is that I'll never make my mom proud. Daddy loves me just the way I am...
7) I'm a guy's girl--most women scare the bejesus out of me.
8) I'm a gassy girl: when I drink caffeine, I could fill up a hot air balloon.
9) I own waaay more children's books than "adult" books.
10) I want to be qualified to teach yoga, but I can't figure out how to accomplish that when I'm still in college...

Now, for my nominations:
(every time I try to post the links, my frickin dashboard freaks out. I'm sick of dealing with it. Links'll be up later. maybe.)

Meg at No Oven for the Bun
Tori at The Winding Road to Parenthood
Nancy at The New Life of Nancy
Melissa at Banking on it
Astrid at Babymaking 101
Julie at A little Pregnant

My Daddy

2009-11-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

Next week, my dad will have one of these put on his leg:

In fall of '07, my dad went in for a "routine" ankle surgery. The plan was to scrape calcium deposits out of his ankle joints to relieve his near-constant pain. The routine ended with the surgery: the doc or the nurses screwed up and he ended up with a staph infection inside his joint.

And it was bad. Really bad.

He was in the hospital for almost a month and then had a port in his neck for IV antibiotics for a couple months. I found out months after the fact that he was very close to dying there for a while. He had to pop 4 vico.profen just to walk me down the aisle in June '08.

Since then, he's finally healed enough so he can walk without a cane, but he's still in constant pain. For the past 6-8 months, he been trying to decide between fusing his ankle and getting a joint replacement. After learning an ankle replacement usually lasts no more than 7-10 years (he's only 49), and after receiving 4 expert opinions, he has decided to go ahead and get it fused. Since he's already had one massive infection, the docs refuse to use pins or screws. Instead, dad will have that fun device on his leg for 4-6 months... Supposedly, it doesn't hurt after the first couple months-- the surgeon said one of his patients actually went parasailing in that get-up. BUT-- I've also heard of surgeons who claim women only need 2-3 days' break after a lap to remove endo adhesions. ha....ha....ha.

He's very optimistic concerning the surgery--he's planning on driving 4 hours to austin for my cousin's wedding 10 days post-op! I just want him to stop hurting... I can imagine it's very hard to see your parent(s) aging and in pain now matter how old they are. But somehow, it seems worse when he's not even 50. That's my Daddy--he's not allowed to be weak or aging or in pain.

It's kind of weird to think about, but we've bonded over chronic pain. I don't think he or my mom had a clue what constant pain can do to you... but now he's felt it and my mom has had to stand by and watch. My mom and I still don't discuss my health--her trying to convince me that cc.rm was just out for my money is what did it for me-- but my dad seems a lot more sympathetic now. He also seems to really listen when I offer advice: he actually was considering trying yoga after I told him how AMAZING it is at helping with chronic pain. May not sound like much, but yeah... having my dad respect my opinion/advice was pretty cool. I know it won't help his ankle much, but it would help with his knee/hip/back pain from compensating for his ankle.

Next Wednesday he'll be heading down to Dallas to have the surgery done. Please pray for an uneventful surgery and recovery for him, as well as a serious dose of patience so he can cope with being stuck with my mom for the next few months...

Oh! And that the hospital staff do their fucking jobs and try NOT to kill my Daddy again...

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-11-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

I can almost see it... By May of 2012, I should have ALL of my classes complete and be ready to start student teaching!

To add some perspective, I started taking college classes when I was a junior in high school. And I've attended 5 more schools since then... Let's break in down:

Gaines.ville College, GA- This was my "high school" college. 30 credits, so when I graduated high school in 2004 and actually started "real" college, I was already a sophomore.

Pied.mont College, GA- Dean's list! my freshman year, but had a mental breakdown of sorts in the middle of the fall semester of my sophomore year. Long story: fell down some stairs, broke my shoulder blade ~ouch~, jacked up my back. I was getting overwhelmed with school, so my PCP started me on some SS.RI and it fucked me UP! My mom came to visit, saw I was practically a zombie, and strongly recommmended I move out to TX--where my parents moved the week before I moved into the dorms my freshman year. So I did.

Vern.on College & Mid.western State University- I started classes at both schools in January of '05 and passed *most of* my classes, but then started having waay too much fun in that small town in TX... for the next 2...3? semesters I registered for classes so I could stay on my parents' health insurance but really just fucked around. I'll be paying those loans off for a while...

Arapa.hoe Community College- Fall semester in '07. Had emergency lap and started Lu.pron with no add-back or even a clue WTF it was in mid-August. Let's just say I went crazy for the next 6 months.... yeah.

Me.tro State- I started here in January of '08. I got the wonderful IF news in January (while I was on Lu.pron again already and recovering from lap #3 in December). Got in a ~~HUGE fight~~ ~~disagreement~~ (I sat there and said WTF. He sat there and stared at me.) with my exhusband after he ignored my birthday on Feb 3......after our friends had planned a night out...which he declined on my behalf without even mentioning it to me... This was the tip of the iceberg. Anywho, 2 days later he asked for a separation, my life fell apart and I dropped my classes... And spent 3 entire months begging my school to waive that semester on the grounds that I was mentally unstable.

So after meeting with my advisors today, I was SHOCKED to learn that I'm only 4ish semesters away from graduation!! Yes, even if I don't count those classes in high school I will still have taken 8 years to graduate. Which is as long as my mom took... with 3 kids. Her last final literally took place in Labor & Delivery a few hours after my lil bro was born.

I don't have kids, I wasn't in Africa building schools (a few of my friends have taken semesters for this), I wasn't touring Europe... I was pulling myslef out of all the shit I get myself into. True, some of that crap I couldn't have avoided--like the broken shoulder or the doc that gave an 18 yo a drug that is no longer F.DA approved for young adults... But the parties, the drugs, the doing anything I could to forget everything that was trying to drive me crazy--that I could have avoided. However, I can honestly say that all the bad shit that I did or had happen to me, well, it made me who I am. I don't think I would be as strong as I know I am and I REALLY know I'd still be getting into trouble if I hadn't learned from all that shit. I should learned from other peoples' experience ( for example: meth is BAD), but I had to learn for myself the "hard" way.

And it was HARD. And I still don't know how I survived it all. I walked away, cold turkey, from meth. I chose to move to Denver with a brand new boyfriend because I knew I had to get away from the people I knew in that stupid town. I got home safely so many times that I should have killed myeslf or others driving so drunk I couldn't walk. I partied with strangers who could've done all kinds of crap.

But I survived. And I'm going to graduate college.

I am a very lucky young woman.

The Pity Party has Left the Building!!

2009-10-27T18:44:00.023-06:00

After over a week of being a walking petri dish and wallowing in what has to be one of my longest pity parties, I have returned to civilization.

Yes, I'm still struggling with a few aspects of my life. A lot of aspects actually. BUT--It sounds weird, but I really don't have the time to think about the serious emotional baggage I have strapped to my back. Yes, it's there and I know ignoring it won't make it go away. But when I think about it, I end up wallowing. Staying in bed for ~~hours~~ days, eating massive amounts of carbs... we all know the drill.

A few things brought me a collective slap in the face--which apparently I needed!

1) My realization that school is overwhelming me because I let it. If I blow off a paper b/c its not due for 3 weeks, its my own damn fault when I'm behind 3 weeks later.

2) I read this post over at the Stirrup Queens. I was allowing myself to take how I physically felt and was telling myself that's how I emotional and mentally feel--bad call.

3) Saturday morning (literally 5 minutes after I woke up) I started crying when N gave me a hard time for eating a cookie for breakfast. This was genuine, light-hearted joking about my healthy breakfast. I realized that the emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the last couple weeks IS physical. Hormonal to be exact. After combing the internet for any link to endo IF etc, one would think I had at least somewhat comprehended that hormones fuck you up and take a looong time to go away completely. So after being on bcp's and/or lu.pron for the past... 2003, 2004... 6 1/2 years? And quitting bcp's a mere 45? days ago. My body is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!! Almost entertainingly similar to lu.pron actually: hot flashes, burst of emotions that scare me and everyone around me...crying all. the. fucking. time. Anyway, that sob fest led to a convo with N about hormones...which led to a discussion about my trust problems. It was a brief discussion since vunerability freaks me out more than 2 yo beauty queens, but a discussion none-the-less. He said, in summary, everybody has oodles of baggage they we each have to work through... and I'm stuck with him until I kick him to the curb :-) *big sigh*

4) Feeling emotions does not mean I'm going off the deep end. Period. Yes, this is a basic concept. But again, I've never had "normal" hormones, so how was I to know?! Hormonal fluctuations are normal and do not mean I have a serious mental problem. Rinse and repeat.

So for now, I'm focusing on making it through the last 2 months of the semester. Then I'm going to take a huge breath and try to find a therapist. Very nervous about that. Which is part of why I'm putting it off until the semester is over. Right now, I don't know when I could meet with anyone b/c off school/work/homework and I know I need to *make* time. So I will next semester-- classes end the 2nd week of december so I'll have much more time to find some one who fits and my classes will be more spread out in the spring, so I"ll be able to meet with someone at times other than 4:15 T & R or 3:30 on Fridays...

In the meantime, focusing on the piles of homework!

Life is getting the best of me

2009-10-22T11:39:00.000-06:00

I'm struggling. to do anything. But I can't admit it to anyone.

I have to give myself a pep-talk just to get out of bed every morning. Last week, I called my boss and told her my dad had a heart attack because I just couldn't face going to work. And yes, I'm going to hell for that. I spent almost the whole week lying in bed.

I'm really trying to get past all this shit on my own and I just don't think I can do it.

But I don't know what to to about it. Writing helps some, but on the other hand it just makes me think about shit more. I want help, but I don't know where to get it.

I know I put my self under a lot of pressure. I know I have been through a lot in the past year and it's normal to get overwhelmed. But I'm not just overwhelmed. I feel pathetic. and lost. and so completely lonely. And pathetic. The boys are running around have a grand old time and I'm sitting here on the couch with tears and snot running down my face, talking to my computer...

I have a family, but we're not a "let's talk about our feelings" kinda family-- My divorce showed me that very clearly.

I don't have any friends in CO...or really at all... just classmates and N's friends' wives/gfs that we see every couple months... And I don't even know how to find IRL friends... or if I ~~really want one~~ could trust one (see below).

I have N but as fucked up as I feel inside right now, I'm too scared to let him see--what if I scare him off?!

When my ex and I separated, he blamed it COMPLETELY on me-- "crazy hormones" and "anger management" came up a lot in a our brief stint in counseling. I'm a very mellow person... He was the one knocking holes in the walls.

My BFF (at the time) was my rock and held me together through the separation. But then I found her group on cafe.mom. She had been taking my pain and turning it into entertainment--and when my real life wasn't good enough material, she made shit up. So she had about 30 women participating in a "Let's laugh at Liz" group. She told them every dark dirty secret that I had never shared with any other person-- suicide attempts in high school, a date rape, cutting... all my really painful shit. And they laughed. When I found out and confronted her, she cut me off completely and told her group (and our mutual aquaintances) that I tried to fuck her husband.

I had trouble trusting people before all this shit. Now I can't trust N enough to talk to him about this shit b/c I'm afraid nobody can handle my shit and I'm so terrrified of being alone-- no close family, no friends, all I have is N. And I'm so scared of scaring him off I try not to let him in. I'm afraid to even try to make friends b/c I'm too scared of seeing my pain plastered on some bitch's blog...

I know I can't keep functioning like this... It's getting harder and harder to put on this chipper happy face so nobody notices how much I hurt...

Now, sit up straight, put on a smile, and go get the boys lunch!

ICYM Virgin

2009-10-21T17:13:00.002-06:00

This is my first time with ICYW and I'm so excited! My lil blog here is just a couple months old, but it's been wonderful to "meet" all these amazing women--where have you been my whole life?!

If you're new to ICYM, check out Stirrup Queens to learn all the details and join in the fun!

Since I am brand new and few of you know anything about me, I'm just going leave myself open to questions... Don't know me from Bob Dole and have a random question? Fire away!! Ever wondered something about me? Ask away!!

For instance, right now I'm wondering why I can't walk away from ICYW, despite the pile of research studies and psyc books sitting next to me...

Thanks for stopping by!!

And...the Answers!!

If I were a tree, I would be a gigantic oak on the quad at some college. I'd spend every day surrounded by learning... and the tree was happy

And we wonder where kids go wrong...

2009-10-21T11:42:00.000-06:00

I first saw this video on I Saw Your Nanny... and I'm completely disgusted...

I know I was raised in a very conservative and modest family, so I'm still a lil more conservative than most of my friends. What kind of life do you think these kids will lead...?

Random question...

2009-10-20T14:42:00.000-06:00

...that I could probably find the answer for...but I'm supposed to be doing homework.

Which states are the 7 states that mandate insurance companies cover fertility treatments?

Hopefully, I will still be able to wait at least a couple more years...but until my doctor decides to call me back for more tests, I still have go off the last thing he said "freeze eggs or TTC within 3 years". And before that was our first re-group after my 11/08 lap and the ex's SA:

"you have very low odds of a natural conception... we'll give you 3 natural cycles and try IUI for a couple cycles if you'd like, but you should really consider saving for IVF"

He dumped that doozy on me two (2) weeks before my ex decided it was time for a divorce.

(Hmmm... so did he leave me because of my pathetic child-bearing abilities...? Must have been so confused after he saw my mom's 7 kids... But what a fucking asshole if that really was/is his reasoning... Painful subject. New topic)

But again, the ex had a pathetic SA, so who knows?

I WOULD--If the fucking doctor would return a fucking phone call. Yes, a little bitchy today.

So-- in conclusion, I'd like to know what states I could move to and NOT have to try to save thousands of dollars on a teacher's income. And do they have restrictions (like college financial aid) where you have to live in state for a set amount of time before being eligible?

TIA!

Somebody thinks I'm special-- hee hee!

2009-10-20T14:15:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Miss Tori
First ever nomination for anything! My mommy would be so proud...
Here are the rules:

1. You can only use one word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award

4. Have fun!

The Fun Part:

1. Where is your cell phone? couch

2. Your hair? scary

3. your mother? complicated

4. Your father? diplomatic

5. Your favorite food? Mexican

6. Your dream last night? zombies

7. Your favorite drink? water

8. Your dream/goal? peace

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? yoga

11. Your fear? childless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy

13. Where were you last night? couch
14. something that you aren't? married

15. Muffins? lemon

16. Wish list item? degree

17. Where did you grow up? Dixie

18. Last thing you did? blog

19. What are you wearing? clothes

20. Your TV? heavy

21. Your pets? furry

22. Friends? few

23. Your life? better

24. Your mood? ugh

25. Missing someone? always

26. Vehicle? Honda

27. Something you're not wearing? underwear (ha!)

28. Your favorite store? anthropologie

29. Your favorite color? rainbow

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? today

32. Your best friend? myself?

33. One place that I go to over and over? school

34. One person who emails me regularly? spam

35. Favorite place to eat? couch

Does it matter if you nominate someone who's already been nominated? Dunno, oh well.
Okay...it's not letting me post some of the links... any ideas? We'll do this the complicated way then:
Caitlin
Jane & MPP
Nancy at http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/
Lavender Luz at http://www.weebleswebblog.com/
Lollipop Goldstein at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/
and last but not least:
Julie over at http://www.alittlepregnant.com/

Amazing women!

In honor...

2009-10-15T17:56:00.001-06:00

Today I'd like to remember all the women who've suffered a prgnancy or infant loss. These women know a grief that all women should be spared.

I have so much respect for these strong women... My thoughts are with you and your families today.

Research paper due in 44 hours and counting...

2009-10-14T15:14:00.000-06:00

Pages completed: 0 of 7
Sources found: 0 of 3

I'm the epitomi of a procrastinating slacker student...

At what point do I throw a bitch fit?

2009-10-14T13:55:00.000-06:00

My clinic is supposedly one of the best in the country and definitely in the top in CO. ~~And they don't give a rat's ass about OB/GYN patients~~. I'm starting to think that until I say "sign me up for something expensive!", they don't consider me a priority. Let's review the last few months of care:

May: went in for yearly poke and pap, ran AMH b/w
July-ish: remembered they still hadn't called me with results, scheduled re-group
August: re-group-- Pathetic AMH, Pap clear (thanks), discussed egg retrieval, 3-day b/w, promised an email detailing expenses
no email
September: stopped bcps, period from hell. Called and asked for vicoprofen on Wednesday before I left town. Got a call from a nurse on Tuesday asking if I'd left town yet, b/c Dr. S left town on Monday-- then why bother calling sweetheart. Finally got the meds TWO (2) weeks after the original phone call.
Friday: left a voicemail for the nurse about an u/s if I don't start
Saturday: started period, called but got the the answering service and this is not an emergency so call back Monday (CD 3, in case you missed that)
Called Monday at 8 as directed: still answering service
Called Monday at 9: left a voicemail for the nurse
It's now Wednesday. CD 5. Still no phone call

Now, I'm obviously new to the whole massive fertility clinic situation. I understand that they have dozens of patients in the middle of cycles, many of whom have been TTC since before I could drive. I know that I don't have a clue how hard life is for those women right now. And I know that if I was on my second, or third, or fourth IVF cycle and my doc was ignoring me to talk to some 23-year-old pipsqueak about her owies--I'd be pissed. And after reading blogs by some of those women, I will try my hardest to NEVER disrespect or piss off a woman in the midst of fertility difficulties and I have a great amount of sympathy for the various nurses and doctors who care for them. I feel like a complete jackass bitching about my pathetic troubles after what so many women have been through.

HOWEVER, that does not excuse ignoring a patient!! Seriously, WTF?! I've been stressing about that b/w for longer than necessary already and how hard is it to pick up a fuckin phone and say "come in at __"? I finally got the balls to ask N for the money (he said of course, of course) and I was just waiting for the fuckin phone call. Now, I have to wait a whole cycle before even trying to call them again! Now I know, it's only CD3 b/w. This is not anything Serious. But to me, it is.

Next month, the tests may come back showing me to be the most perfectly healthy and ready to procreate 23-year-old in the world. And that would be amazing... miraculous even. But after that POS AMH level, I'm pretty pessimistic. I would really like to know what's going on. No, I don't want to hear bad news. But that would better than not knowing...right?

Just put on a happy face!

2009-10-12T00:02:00.000-06:00

Fuck that.

I'm broke--if having a negative balance evens counts as broke-- which means:

I can't get my CD3 b/w done
I can't go to class until I can beg/borrow/steal-- $4.50 parking/day
I still can't quit my Sunday night nanny job, where I spend 15 straight hours wishing for a baby and crying myself to sleep until one of the triplets inevitably wakes up-- Healthy right?

I'm behind in classes and getting completely overwhelmed

I can't stop thinking about endo/IF/AKA the shattering of all my dreams

I still can't trust N, even after 7? months and I'm starting to feel irrepairably broken inside...

off to cry myself to sleep...again

How to make your period show up...

2009-10-11T13:10:00.001-06:00

By another pregnancy test-- for $14.99-- when when you only have $32.

Spill your guts to a stranger at a party after she mentions her 5 surgeries for endo...

I am patient--hear me roar!!

2009-10-09T18:34:00.001-06:00

RE's office didn't bother to call me back yet, so I called me pcp to find out what it would cost to just have them run my CD3 work-up. This is assuming I reach CD1 anytime in the near future... Still no signs what so ever, except what I think is that angry cyst on my left side saying

"yeah-you feel that? That was me devouring what's left of your pathetic peanut-sized left ovary. Just wait another couple weeks and I'll have the whole thing turned into a big mushy sac of chocolate! Oh-- and btw, that pain on the right side? Your right ovary is back to trying to hiding itself deep behind your uterus again. Have a great fucking day!!"

I spoke to a most helpful nurse who wimply told me to call the lab directly and find out what the lab would charge my doc and hung up... No joke.

I called the lab, spent 20 minutes on the phone to be told (as expected) "well, we can't give that info to a patient. Your doctor needs to call us for that info" NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!

So I left yet another message at yet another doctor's office.

I finally got my records from my first OB/GYN-- way back when I was 16 and the pediatrician finally told my mom that an gyno would be better qualified to deal with all my cysts. Duh mom.

Highly entertained by a few terms he used... Something about putting me on bcp's to regulate my cycles? Yeah, no. My cycles were regular as hell-- it was the massive cysts (apparently 5 over 7 cm--ow) and the unprotected sex (that my parents were blissfully unaware of) that prompted me to ask for bcp's... And they didn't send photos from my first lap. I'm very curios why no sign of endo was found/noted and the only pathology report just mentions a "multi-cellular cyst" being "non-malignant". Good to know I didn't have ovarian cancer at 16...

Well fuck it then!

2009-10-08T15:17:00.000-06:00

Bored and reading archives at A Little Pregnant (lost the specific post and way too laxy to re-find it).

I learned that women with poor ovarian reserve are more likely to miscarry.

So now I know that I:

have the AMH levels of a woman in her mid-late 30's (and for the record, I'm 23)
have stage 3 or 4 endo (depends which doc you ask)
have an increased rick for a m/c, if I do someday manage to get knocked up

Should I just give up now...?

Wallowing... (that word just doesn't look right!)

2009-10-08T14:15:00.000-06:00

**SIGH**

Even assuming I can't remember which day is which, the cursed crimson tide is officially late. In ten years of having a period, I've only had 2 cycles lasted longer than 30 days (yes, I kept track to avoid unpleasantness. I never carried a purse, except when I needed a handy-dandy tampon carrying device):

one was the result of a massive cyst that was slowly filling my gut with some nasty combo of blood and ooze-- 6 weeks "late" before doc gave me PIO
the other was the result of 6 months of Lupron (which I doubt I would EVER touch again... at least for "treating" endo anyway, completely useless) and my 3rd lap and the stress my of ex deciding a separation was in order-- 3 weeks late before it came on its own

Obviously, this isn't a result of Lupron. I suppose it could be stress: working full-time, in school full-time, my body which constantly reminds me how much it hates me...?

Is there a test that tells you *why* a period is late? You know, one tiny little blood draw, pop it in the computer, and BAM!

"Well, it looks like you spent 6 hours at a wedding Sunday, where you were constantly reminded about the failure of your marriage (after a mere 8 months) and subsequent divorce (final only 3 months ago). Oh- and it looks like there were... wait--is that right? 4 infants at a wedding with only 75 people? Wow, must've been fun... And then you suppressed your raging emotions by downing 10 blessedly strong crown & cokes way too fast. Raging hangover, followed by the news that you apparently did NOT go to bed at 10, but rather blacked out, spilled bong water all over the couch, puked for a while, yelled at N for buying you drinks (he didn't--I was grabbing $ out of his pockets), and finally seduced him (but don't remember said seduction nor the following sex) before passing out. Oh, and you also have a research paper due next week--might wanna get started on that!"

Then you'd know to just go pop a xan.ax or a klono.pin and you be bleeding like a stuck pig first thing in the morning!

But no. Instead, I get to wait on return phone call from the RE's nurse to see if they want me to come in for an u/s just in case there is yet another cyst. Honestly beginning to wonder if I might have PCOS... For the record, last time I called it took them over a week to get back to me... to call in a vicoprofen script.

~~Wondering: should I take another hpt?~~ Yeah, right. Forgot, just did that yesterday. So--just to soothe my troubled mind, the possibilites are:

Pregnant--not as of yesterday, but the possibility stills makes me cringe when I have my daily cigarette after work, made me drink only 1 beer instead of 3, and made me take my horse-pill of a multivitamin even though I gagged on it.
Cyst-- tiny one there last month, but not really any additional pain beside the usual "hi!" from the endo
Stress-- Never had that happen before (unless you count Jan/Feb)
Yet another problem with my innards that has yet to be discovered-- might as well invite more guests to the party, right?

On the plus side, I have literally $32.74 in my checking account and therefore have no way to pay $320 for a 3-day work up anyway. And pretty damn certain that CCRM expects payment in full & up front for b/w, but since they haven't called me back yet, who knows. So maybe my body doesn't hate me! Maybe it just wants to wait until I have money... Yeah! that's totally it...

Since that's figured out, on to the next problem:

What do you do when you're (over)due for a brazilian but don't have to the cash?

and...?

2009-10-07T10:15:00.000-06:00

As expected, but none-the-less disappointing, the dreaded digital hpt was a BFN... So now more waiting.

Interestingly enough, I'm thinking this month of bcp has actually improved my symptoms. I guess it makes sense: synthetic hormones just aren't good for your body. But not sure if that means I want to stay off birth control. Even though my odds of an oops are pretty slim-none anyway, it's still nice to feel some security. I mean, I don't wanna find out I'm pregnant right after I go out and drink waaay too much (like I did sunday night). That and the minor detail of the father in this little story-- way to early to tell if he's a permanent keeper!

But I've had the book "Taking Charge of your Fertility" for a while and I've wanted to try tracking my temps and cm, but I was always on some kind of hormonal something. Now the big question: how to I tell my BF the I want to stay off bcps? He kinda/sorta gets what's going on, but not sure about that one...

Digital vs. Traditional

2009-10-06T13:15:00.000-06:00

When I first bought a digital HPT, I thought "wow, how cool it this?! No more squinting to see if that really is a line vs. evaporation line vs. the sad little woman in my head who's seeing things...

But alas, I miss that sad little woman. It's so much more harsh, in your face, when there's a sign in black and white that says "not pregnant". You mean, I can't even hope it's wrong/hasn't finished processing/fluke? (I take at least one test a month when I'm on continuous bcp partially because the constant nausea all has me second guessing my pill's effectiveness and partially because I'd really rather not find out I've been drinking/smoking during my first trimester....) I honestly was planning on never buying one again (except to confirm traditional tests), but when I went to the wal-store a few month ago, all they had were digital!

Maybe if they invented a Magic 8-Ball hpt for those with IF... "it's hard to tell" "check back when your period's actually late" "you'd much rather hear this news from a human being than from a cold, lifeless, digital HPT--call your doctor" "its estimated that raising a child costs $200,000-- you don't have that much anyway!"...

CD 29? and counting...

2009-10-06T12:38:00.003-06:00

I keep staring at my calender like the dates are going to change... yeah right!

So last "cycle":

Friday 9/2 u/s--new cyst on that same pathetic left ovary, but too small to determine if functional
Saturday 9/3 went to bed early, forgot my pill--oops
Sunday 9/4 took missed pill first thing the next morning, but was spotting by lunch
9/6 or 9/7 first "real" day--can't ever remember Day 1, so I put it in my blackberry. Which promptly croaked. So who knows.

So this cycle (first non-medicated one in years) :

Days 1-29 (ish): same ole nausea I've been fighting forever--but it was attributed to the bcp's so WHY am I still clenching my jaw and sprinting down the stairs?!?!
Days 10-18: crampy with extra left side pain--cyst?
Day 29(ish) and no cramps, no bloating, none of the usual scary GI symptoms-- WTF?

So right now:

Avoiding massive amounts of homework to struggle through my emotions via compulsive list making
Wondering why I can't seem to wake up without morning sickness... and why I can't go more than 4 hours without eating--or I puke.
And the BIG QUESTION: Why no AF?

Well, there's only a few options to explain AF's tardiness

totally irregular cycles?

possible, but AF always comes back within days of stopping bcps, and the longest I had to wait was 3 weeks after Lupron.

pregnant? Ha, that'd be ironic. I'd go buy a dozen lottery tickets, too... Way to paraniod to test:

BFNs hurt even though I'm not TTC (just screams "YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE OF A WOMAN" at me... no, I don't have issues--not me!)
and a BFP would scare the crap out of me for so many reasons:

6 month relationship with SO, following a divorce, following an 8 month marriage = a lot of baggage right now
SO on unemployment while waiting for the frickin union to do its job
Me a full-time college student and still working full-time (ish)
And yet, despite all that I know I would be so INCREDIBLY ecstatic/relieved/overjoyed/thrilled... and just peeing on the stick makes me get my hopes up.

cyst? happened so many times before... But I'm not really hurting any more than usual and in the past they've gone from "we'll keep an eye on it" to < 7 cm/serious pain in one cycle.

What to do now?

wait.
POAS Friday, if I can wait that long... yeah right, Thursday's Day 31 even by conservative estimates
call CCRM Monday to schedule ultrasound to check on cyst-- Arg
Ask both Dr. S and my PCP (Dr. K) why the HELL I'm still fighting this constant nausea

That's my one and only plan. I'm not ashamed to admit that if I had more cash I'd be buying a HPT on my way home from work... or using that digital one I "accidentily" found under the sink this morning. But then I'd just get my hopes up starring at that stupid window... and then feel worse reading "not pregnant" in black and white.

The Search is On!!

2009-09-30T15:01:00.000-06:00

With homework starting to pile up, I'm busy trying to find a doctor who can actually help me! I *thought* I found a pelvic pain specialist that *GASP* is located in CO. Turns out he's "semi-retired" and really only specializes in painful intercourse... only one of my many problems. I did get a referral to a holistic doctor--wahoo-- so hopefully she'll be able to get me started on some more supplements. I know there's a bajillion herbs that help regulate hormones, relieve inflammation, and reduce pain. I'm just not domb enough to go playing around with drugs--that's why she went to school for 12 years! On the negative, holistic is not covered for ANY reason on my plan--even though she's and M.D. too-- and me first app costs $300. Which is, interestingly enough, the same amount I have to pay for my 3-day work-up bloodwork-- except that's this week (hopefully).

I'm also mid-process of collecting all my medical records for a personal set. That's taking way more effort than I thought it would... ugh. Calling 2 hospitals and 4 doctors and they all need 3 weeks (more or less) to get them to me. And my app with the holistic doc is in 3 weeks. Let's hope it all works out.

On the upside, Nick and I are still sailing smoothly... I always thought that never having "fights" was a bad sign for a relationship. Now, I think I've concluded it's wonderful to be able to talk out any issues without fighting! Sounds like a "duh" conclusion to come to, but its still weird for me. I mean, I got irritated about him not letting me know/checking with me before inviting people over. Now he tells me when his bro's coming over even when I won't be there or really care...and updates me on everything else, too So check that out-- we discussed a behavior, the behavior changed. WTF?! Methinks I've dated (and married) some seriously inconsiderate bastards...

Money is still scaring me though... I hate feeling dependent on anyone. After Chad and Jason, it seriously scares the crap out of me to not be financially independent-- what if something like that happens again? Right now, I'm bringing in just enough to pay all my bills. And "my bills" does not include the $700 plus I'll be spending on medical stuff in the next month. On top of that, the union is still dragging its feet so Nick still sitting at home on unemployment-- which, thank god, somehow paid out $800 this week. He has a few companies who say they'll call him for side jobs, but he can't legally get set up with a new company b/c that could mess up his union status. And until he gets a new job, we can't afford to move. And we could be evicted any day now for "breaking" the lease by having my cats there. But I wasn't about to let Jason send them to the pound either--ARG!!

So in conclusion, my life would be a lot less stressful when the union gets off its ass and starts hiring again. Then I can:
A) relax about money troubles
B) finally quit my Sunday night shift with the triplets-- 15 hours overnight with babies who wake up every hour is NOT a fun way to start the week
C) stop stressing about my cats being seen/heard and me being out on my ass
D) afford to pay all these frickin doctors

2-Steppin and Big Guns--I Love TX!

2009-09-19T11:38:00.026-06:00

Been so busy the last 2 weeks, I haven't had enough time to worry!

First my bro David (the Marine) and his girlfriend Tiffany came up to Denver so we rented a cabin up in Steamboat for the weekend. We didn't actuallly do a lot, just Strawberry Springs, bowling, shopping, etc. But it was great to just relax and talk to him--I haven't seen him since... Christmas? and haven't talked to him since he deployed in January.

Then this past weekend, my parents flew me down to Wichita Falls for 2 more brothers' Eagle Scout ceremony. I flew into OKC and had to drive down to WF (my first rental car!!), so didn't get there til almost 2 am... Eagle ceremony all morning and WOW--they've accomplished a hellofa more than I have! Then yummy lunch with the extended family before heading over to the Stades' to shoot guns.

That's right-- I can shoot! We shot a 1938 winchester, 20 and 12 guage shot guns, 30-06, .22 rifle, .45 automatic, and a .22 revolver... and yes, I had a bruise on my poor shoulder. But it was so much fun! Then David and Tiff went to Outskirts with me-- danced with a few older country boys and then shook my ass for a while with a bunch of chicks. I need to find a good bar like that around here...

Struggling

2009-09-16T14:51:00.000-06:00

Since I want to know my FSH and Estradiol levels, I'm off birth control for a month...or as long as it takes to get another period for day-3 work-up. Last time I was off birth control was in January/February 2009, when I was coming off Lupron to begin TTC with my ex-husband. It took 2 months for AF to return. So yeah, I'm already worrying that she'll take forever for a couple reasons:

Even if my odds of getting KU are pretty darn low, I'm still sexually active.
Even though I KNOW I want to have kids, I would much rather wait until after I graduate.
Even though I'm happy with my SO, we've only been together for 7 months and we both have pailes of baggage and who knows if we'll keep it together...
Even though he wants a baby as much as I do and would prob be thrilled if I got KU, it's still scary as hell to play with fire (men) cause I have been burned...a few times

Ignore all possibility of an "oops", and my only concern is endo. Currently been off the pill 12 days: HEAVY bleeding and WTF-was-that pain for 5 days and spotting for 4. The last three days have been spot-free (amazing after months of break-through) but the pain is creeping in... The stupid culdisac is the worst! Everytime I sit down, I bounce back up from the pressure/pain on my rectum/tailbone. Switching from lying on my one side to the other, or standing up too fast, results in a few minutes of that nasty uncomfortable-but-not-*quite*-painful, pulling/stretching/sinking feeling all over. Something on my right side is making it painful to even lean on the kitchen counter.

Yes, some of the pain was back before I stopped the pills, but the increase has been dramatic and I'm more than a lil terrified that a month (plus maybe more) could push me to needing surgery or Lupron for the pain. And just the thought of all that pain overwhelms the living shit out of me: I sit here and think about how hard it is to take care of kids all day (and actually be present mentally) when I'm hurting--much less having enough energy to drive an hour for class after work! I'm so scared I'm going to start letting homework slide and end up behind... Or that I'll be hurting so much that I won't be able to finish the semester... Or that the pain will get to me mentally and I'll blow off school...

In the midst of a nasty separation and divorce, my ex told me that all the hormones made me unbearable and that's why our relationship fell apart... And since we went from newlyweds to me having surgery to trying to start TTC to me moving out, part of me is convinced he just couldn't handle the emotional, physical, and financial stress of living with a woman with infertility and endo and all that comes along with it. So I guess my biggest fear is that this one month could blow up my life...again. That the tests will be more bad news, the endo will come back, the emotional strain of the endo will throw me back into an anxious depression, and I'll drive away yet another man who I thought would be there for me no matter what-- and I don't think I can handle that again! So all I can think about is what all can go wrong and my biggest fear, essentially, is that I'm a chronic fuck-up...

Even though the rational side of my brain says "Dumbass, J was a bipolar douch, you didn't cause the endo or the IF, and N is definitely not J!", the emotional side of my brain says "Holy shit, you're going to end up alone and broke, in severe pain and infertile, trying to find someone to take care of you after surgery, and flunking out of school-- PANIC!!!"

It's really hard not to listen to the emotional side...

Ignorance + Racism = Angry Rednecks

2009-09-16T12:13:00.000-06:00

I received the following email today, which had been sent to well over a hundred people:

"USPS New 42-Cent Stamp!!! Celebrates Muslim holiday.

If there is only ONE thing you forward today... let it be this!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan Am Flight 103!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon !

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia !

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa !

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001 !

REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!

Now President Obama has directed the United States Postal Service to REMEMBER and HONOR the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a new commemorative 42 Cent First Class Holiday Postage Stamp..

REMEMBER to adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office.

All you have to say is "No thank you, I do not want that Muslim Stamp on my letters!"

To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.

REMEMBER ~

Pass this along to every Patriotic AMERICAN that you know and let's get the word out !!! "

From this email, I can draw a number of (ignorant!)conclusions:

There are NO Muslim Americans.
ALL Muslims are terrorists, PERIOD.
Only people who were both American AND Christian were killed in the terrorist attacks listed.
The President of the United States has DIRECT authority to ORDER administrative and creative changes to be made in regard to the United States Postal Service.
The USPS has NEVER made non-Christian stamps.
Anyone believing this email has obviously NEVER been to a post office.
The USPS will automatically use this stamp on our mail unless we "boycott" the stamp. (Note: they won't even give you a Christmas stamp on Dec 23rd for a Christmas card unless you ASK for it.)
Every member of the armed forces who has died was fighting to protect the freedoms and rights of ONLY Christian Americans.

I can only assume that anyone believing and forwarding this email is either pathetically ignorant or just so incredibly racist that they don't even pay attention to the facts... All these people who are forwarding this email seem to forget that our country was founded by people searching for religous freedom. Yes, those original settlers may have been Christians, but they did not found a Christian country. In fact, they chose to separate the gov't from religion so that no religion could be discriminated against--including Islam. And no, "In God we Trust" and "under God" do not mean the "Christian God Only".

Please, get over yourselves: Carrying a Bible doesn't give you any rights/freedoms/stamps. Carrying a Koran doesn't make you a terrorist or keep you from having any rights/freedoms/stamps. And to claim that our military--which is NOT all Christian-- would be offended by this stamp... well, all the military members I know would consider this email a slap in the face.

Doing my research...again

2009-09-09T11:05:00.000-06:00

I've decided to go off the bcp for a couple cycles, or as long as it takes to restart everything, so I can have a 3 day FSH/Estradiol test run. Hopefully it will give me a better idea as to what exactly is going on in there, but I know I'm really hoping the results will be reassuring instead of more bad news...

So this week is fun:

Working 60 hours
15 hours in class
10 hours of homework--ugh
And the crippling cramping/twisting/pinching/pulling/bloating/nausea/PAIN of a period with endo... and this is after 6 months on continuous bcp!! Can't wait for next month...

I've also been looking into finding a new doctor... maybe not a new one, just another one! I really like Dr. S at CCRM: the whole center is wonderful, staff are so kind and professional, and he is an expert on infertility treatments. He has done a few studies on Lupron and I originally found him on an endo website, but based off his treatment advice (Lupron, surgery, freezing eggs, brushed off yoga as therapy), I'm thinkin he might not be the best option for treating the endo. Whether or not I go to a new doc for endo, I'll definitely stick with CCRM for IF treatments

Right now I'm looking at the Center for Minimally Invasive Surgery (ATL branch)... They are covered (out of network) by my insurance (wahoo) and I'm finding lots of positive info on them online. I'm trying to decide if I want to wait for the 3-day test results before contacting CMIS, but the results won't change the pain. There's also the minor detail of flying out there, finding a friend who'll let me crash on the couch, and affording all this crap...

The Basics: Part Three

2009-09-07T00:55:00.001-06:00

Or as I think of it: Why Does My Body Hate Me?

In brief:

Very painful, heavy periods since I hit puberty at 13
Re-occuring and multiple large (>5cm) cysts started when I was 14
First lap at 16, but by a regular OB/GYN who simply removed the cysts, did not look for/recognize endo, and put me on basic birth control pill to prevent cysts
Tried to go off pills at 17, one cycle off and developed 7 cm cyst that burst and left me on 2 months of anti-inflammatory meds to reduce fluid in the pelvic cavity, so back on BCPs
Rotated through just about every brand of BCPs as they all give me horrible morning sickness (puking on the side of the hwy and not keeping down water all day--horrible), but they seemed to keep the cysts at bay sooo...
Pain started getting worse right after my 21st birthday, started "interfering with daily activities", but I had just moved to Denver and was jumping through the hoops to find a decent doctor, so I just popped pain pills and dealt
Went to the ER in Aug 07 with extreme pelvic pain and they kept me for observation for 2 days before surgery: removed all but a peanut sixed amount of my left ovary due to a chocolate cyst and large endo growths from all over--mainly large intestine. Doc was horrid
Immediately started a 6 month round of Lupron-- surgeon's office sent me home with a script and said "call your insurance"--so did 6 Lupron shots all by myself!
Following the Lupron, my primary care put me on the patch--BIG no-no for endo.
Finally got into CCRM and Surrey took me right off the patch, but it was too late and the endo was already back and ANGRY!!
Surrey started me on Lupron (with add-back this time) in October of 08 and I had my lap over Thanksgiving... Regroup after lap: you might wanna start TTC now--or at least very soon
Last Lupron shot in January, then waitied for cycles to start back for testing before TTC.
Separation came before AF, so went back on CBCP...this time Lybrel
Lybrel gives me the worst sickness yet and the pain's creepin in so had an AMH run last month...dreaded the results
Re-group Friday: 1st, new BCPs. 2nd, another cyst is growing on the pathetic left ovary, and 3rd, the AMH was only .5 and a "cause for serious concern". He's highly recommending I freeze eggs.

Now what?!? Well, the IVF nurse walked me through the basics of egg freezing, but the business office was already closed for the day. I should be getting an email going over costs, but from what I can find online, I'm looking at $5,000-$12,000 just to freeze the eggs, plus the additional costs of invitro whenever I do meet that guy... or somehow am secure enough to have a child by myself. Since I'm starting a new BCP, I get to have a "real" period-- all that break through didn't count apparently-- so I'm thinking I might go ahead and get a FSH test done as well. That way I'll have a lil better idea of how much time is left on this time bomb...

So after THAT fun afternoon of depressing news, I got to go babysit for my main nanny family: a 3 yo hard of hearing and an 18 month old...managed to stay busy or at least highly distracted until Sunday morning.

I woke up, went and said good morning to my BF (early riser) and promptly went back to bed where I cried for a loooong time. He knows about all this crap and tries to be supportive and WANTS for me to talk to him aout it, but I can't put into words that feeling of failure... that huge WHY ME?!?! that hurts soooo much.... I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, always worked with kids. After my first surgery, not being able to have kids became my worst nightmare...the one that makes me cry and cry and cry....

Tried to pull myself together and went into the other room with him, but the tears kept sneaking out... so I finally left to run errands until I had to get ready for work. Work: 15 hour night nanny shift with 6 month old triplets. So playing with babies. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up leaving this job... But kids are what I love most! but it hurts to see these little guys know the possibility of me having one of my own is getting smaller every day.

I know, I know...I haven't been told "you won't have kids"...yet. But my left ovary seems to function solely by producing massive cysts and is shredded and tiny too. I've done 10 months of Lupron and had 2 surgeries in the last 2 years. Now, barely 10 months after my last lap, I'm back at the doc for the cramping crippling pain that just emotionally drains me everytime I feel it... because I know it means more surgery, more hormones, more drugs... I thought having the AMH run would reassure me, I wanted to hear "see? everything's normal, so just wait til you're ready!" But no, instead I heard "very low level....definate cause for concern....agree with Dr. X's opinion that you should consider egg freezing..."

So after pulling myself up by my flip-flops, staying in school and finally living successfully on my own for the first time ever, I get thrown this HUGE curveball (cause even though I was dreading it, I still didn't expect it to be that bad) that throws me completely out of wack emotional and mentally, in addition to the physical side of all this shit...

And it hurts even more because I don't have anyone to talk/relate to about this stuff: all the decent friends I have live out of state, I don't work with other adults and classes aren't the best way to make friends so I still don't have any *friends* here--just casual aquaintances. I had one good friend/confidant up here (our husbands worked together) but I later found out that she apparently felt my struggles were amusing and would wildly exagerrated stories about me to tell to mutual "friends" and spread all over facebook and myspace like a 15 yo drama queen. Thus my added hesitancy to make new friends. I tried, once, to talk to my mom about this stuff but she's not the most supportive...to put it mildly.

The Basics: Part Two

2009-09-06T23:51:00.000-06:00

Or, How I Picked Up the Pieces of My Life.

So, husband said separate and I moved onto my BFF's couch. That lasted about 3 weeks while his mom tried to be a marriage counselor and I found a place to live-- a pretty shabby 50 yo apt surrounded by old men who get oh-so-excited when they see me leaving for yoga class in my spandex, and used all of my student loans to make ends meet.

Attempted counseling (this time without his mom), which ended with the psychotherapist cursing after a discussion involving our (lack of) a sex life... So we filed for divorce the first week of April--would've been sooner but I was b-r-o-k-e and he was c-h-e-a-p-- and it was final July 7th.

I suppressed massive amounts of pain and anger and PAIN related to him, his family, my family....in order to carry on with my life and put on a happy face for my employers (I'm a nanny, duh)

All the before mentioned suppressed crap is no longer wanting to be suppressed... thus the blogging begins

The Basics: Part One

2009-09-06T23:39:00.000-06:00

Hmmm... Where to begin? Oh yeah--I was born!

I'm the second of 7 kids: Meredith '85 (married in SC, 1 DD), Me 86', David '88 (marines OOH-RAH!), Adam '91 (at home, in college), Andrew '92, Peter '94, Margaret '96.
We moved around a bit for my dad's job so I've lived in Oklahoma, Alabama, Tennessee, did most of my growing up in Georgia, Texas, and now live in Colorado. And I plan to do my damnedest to stay here forever!

I moved to the Denver area with me then BF in March of 2007-- and quickly had a crash course in driving in slush when I did a 180 on 470. Fun times...

I transferred from a pre-med major at a school in Texas to a Human Development/ECE/SED major at Metro state-- love it here and plan to stay until I walk across that stage!

BF became fiance--even after living with me on Lupron without add-back-- and we were married on 6/7/08. To abbreviate: somehow he lost all motivation for any aspect of life, completely ceased to be attracted to his new wife, and essentially went bonkers. On Feb 5th 2009, he asked for a separation.

And THAT is where part 2 begins!