The Good:
Date night tonight! Working until 4, but then Soccerboy (New name for N-- no me gusta initials) and I are going to the Ava.lange game! I haven't been to a hockey game since I was... in middle school? And it's just him and me... Well us and the thousands of other people. BUT not his brother or mutual friends :)
The bad:
Sena woke up Friday and wouldn't/couldn't walk (background: dev delayed & mostly deaf 3 yo I care for). His parents *think* it's a strained muscle from too much PT this week... I don't know, but my heart broke to see him in pain. We went to the aquarium and he was so frustrated because he wanted to walk SO bad--but when he tried, he'd fall. Please pray for quick and complete recovery from whatever the problem is!
The Ugly:
The bitch still hasn't come. Officially CD 35 and no cramping, no moodiness, no ANYTHING! Even that twinging on my right side has stopped. For the record, I did give in and POAS Thursday after work: 2 days past ETA and I'd been holding my pee for 3-4 hours... Just in case, I'm picking up another test on my way home from work. I'll frickin clamp my bladder closed for the next 5 hours to be sure it's accurate. I've already decided to wait until I'm at least 3 weeks late before scheduling an u/s to look for cysts-- and through my primary cause I'd prefer the 20 minute drive over the 1.5 hour drive when I "know" what the problem is...
The Vague:
So... 'Member that "friend" that fucked me over? Yeah... She IM'd me Thursday and asked if we could get together for drinks. Cause I'm a slow learner and she was acting so weird, I said yes.
Three hours and a few lo.ng isla.nds later, I learned a few things. Namely, she's been in intensive therapy since shortly after we "broke up". She's now working and making more than her controlling asshole of a husband. So with the financial independence and the therapy, she's becoming more independent and he's treating her better... Cause he knows she changing and close to leaving his ass in the dust.She spent the last 2 months nursing my "niece" back to health-- her daughter still loved me like an aunt even if her mom is...something. Beebo is only 2 years old: got croup then the piggy flu then brochitis THEN pneumonia but the hospital refused to admit her b/c it was after 5 and they "couldn't contact" the primary doc. FUCK North Sub.urban btw!!
Supposedly, she wanted to call me a while ago to try to apologize, but my ex decided to tell everybody I moved to TX in August... Or so she says... But her neighbor knew I was here. So either A: they weren't gossiping about me--yay-- and my ex is still confirming what an absolute douch-bag he is OR B: she's still a lying sack of shit.
Haven't figured out which one it is yet... And I know I might be seeing the changes because I *want* her to have changed. I want to have that no-secrets-between-us relationship with the side of her that's... IDK--not crazy?! But-- how do I know if it's sincere or how long it'll take the crazy bitch to come back out. As her neighbor/my friend(ish) said "better watch your back"... Word.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Well, this is a first...
Note: non-TTC chick bitching about her late period. IFers: If it's a bad day, you might wanna skip
I'm currently on CD 32 and just realized it. Meaning, I'm two days late and just realized it. This is a first for me. An even bigger first: I don't really care. But, I care that I don't care... metacognition anyone?
I'm thinkin really hard and I'm pretty sure the last time this happened was when I was 16 y.o. virgin. You know, back when periods were nothing but an inconvenience? For the last 8 (holy shit! I feel old...) years, I have been:
A: On bcp's: the handy dandy stopwatch that keeps track of your cycle days for you
B: On continuous bcp's: no periods, but still the script to refill every 28 days
C: On Lu.pron: no periods, but a gigantic needle I had to shove in my ass every 28 days
OR
D: Anxiously waiting for my period because of b/w, u/s, surgeries, or switching from one med to another
I also managed to have that overwhelmingly stupid "am I or am I not" convo in my head every month, too. The one that happens every month despite the 1.5 functioning ovaries that 2-out-of-3 cycles form massive cysts, AND the dismally low AMH score, AND the various chemicals & hormones I've been pumped full of, AND despite the fact I've been on some fome of birth control almost the entire time.
But this cycle: no hormones at all, not even any prescriptions! And I'm late. No twinges of AF coming-- no moodiness, cramping, bloating, back ache--just a weird pinching on my right side. Then last night, I felt an odd pain on that side when we were having sex... like N was hitting something but it was kinda "rolling" out of the way--very cyst-like. But no other pain. Then today, the same pinching pain on right side, plus there's a "full" kinda feeling and it's tender when I press on it (gently of course). What side is my appendix on again?
I really don't have any motivation to poas b/c believe it or not, I'd really rather not know... Despite being TTC a mere 9 months ago and as much as I want to be pg at some point, now is not that time. And damn it-- I'm so sick of cysts!! So I'm not going to do anything...at least not yet. No point in wasting money on an HPT when I'm 99.9% sure that I'm late because of a cyst on my right ovary...which will most likely pop and send AF the very minute I poas.
ugh
I'm currently on CD 32 and just realized it. Meaning, I'm two days late and just realized it. This is a first for me. An even bigger first: I don't really care. But, I care that I don't care... metacognition anyone?
I'm thinkin really hard and I'm pretty sure the last time this happened was when I was 16 y.o. virgin. You know, back when periods were nothing but an inconvenience? For the last 8 (holy shit! I feel old...) years, I have been:
A: On bcp's: the handy dandy stopwatch that keeps track of your cycle days for you
B: On continuous bcp's: no periods, but still the script to refill every 28 days
C: On Lu.pron: no periods, but a gigantic needle I had to shove in my ass every 28 days
OR
D: Anxiously waiting for my period because of b/w, u/s, surgeries, or switching from one med to another
I also managed to have that overwhelmingly stupid "am I or am I not" convo in my head every month, too. The one that happens every month despite the 1.5 functioning ovaries that 2-out-of-3 cycles form massive cysts, AND the dismally low AMH score, AND the various chemicals & hormones I've been pumped full of, AND despite the fact I've been on some fome of birth control almost the entire time.
But this cycle: no hormones at all, not even any prescriptions! And I'm late. No twinges of AF coming-- no moodiness, cramping, bloating, back ache--just a weird pinching on my right side. Then last night, I felt an odd pain on that side when we were having sex... like N was hitting something but it was kinda "rolling" out of the way--very cyst-like. But no other pain. Then today, the same pinching pain on right side, plus there's a "full" kinda feeling and it's tender when I press on it (gently of course). What side is my appendix on again?
I really don't have any motivation to poas b/c believe it or not, I'd really rather not know... Despite being TTC a mere 9 months ago and as much as I want to be pg at some point, now is not that time. And damn it-- I'm so sick of cysts!! So I'm not going to do anything...at least not yet. No point in wasting money on an HPT when I'm 99.9% sure that I'm late because of a cyst on my right ovary...which will most likely pop and send AF the very minute I poas.
ugh
Friday, November 6, 2009
Free yoga and pilates classes!
If you live in Denver, you should look into the Aura.ria Campus's Healthy Moves Program. The program is FREE and open to the public. They offer yoga, pilates, Qigong, and belly dancing classes through out the week and also have free yoga workshops on Saturdays, about once a month.
Tomorrow, they are hosting a Salutations workshop from 10-1 in the dance studio (2nd floor, PE building).
The really amazing part of this program, besides the FREE part, is the teachers are so special! Hansa is the proprietot of the Prana Yoga and Ayurvedic Mandala Center here in Denver and Patricia... wow. She developed the first prenatal yoga classes in 1970's, started the first academic yoga classes in America right here at Metro, and has studied with some amazing yogis. Her resume made me feel...almost intimidated? But what I really love is her presence: she seems to radiate peace. She makes me want to dive deeper into my own practice...
Anyway, check out the healthy moves program!
Tomorrow, they are hosting a Salutations workshop from 10-1 in the dance studio (2nd floor, PE building).
The really amazing part of this program, besides the FREE part, is the teachers are so special! Hansa is the proprietot of the Prana Yoga and Ayurvedic Mandala Center here in Denver and Patricia... wow. She developed the first prenatal yoga classes in 1970's, started the first academic yoga classes in America right here at Metro, and has studied with some amazing yogis. Her resume made me feel...almost intimidated? But what I really love is her presence: she seems to radiate peace. She makes me want to dive deeper into my own practice...
Anyway, check out the healthy moves program!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
So there
I was planning on being at the park right now, but Ry-Ry decided he wanted to nap early. (FYI: infant sign language, while it can delay speech, is the bomb. He first asked for a nap at 8 months. That's. Fricken. Awesome.) Anyway, abnormal child psyc exam tomorrow and I haven't studied at all. So this little blurb is my post of the day--if I'm lucky, I might try again later.
Namaste
Namaste
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Aw shucks!
Yep, that's right! I don't think I've shut up since I started talking, to the dismay of almost everyone whose stayed around to hear me... but apparently my ramblings have some entertainment value after all!
Muchas Gracias Caitlin!
Rules:
1) Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
1) I own snowboard boots and bindings (nice ones, too!), but no board. And I've only taken one lesson.
2) I find jelly beans, raisins, and cookie dough revolting.
3) I often find myself jealous of my older sister: the doctor's son with the trust fund hubby, the two (2) houses they paid cash for, the nephew I still haven't met...
4) Even though I grew up in the hills of North Georgia, I've never eaten grits and the only southern food I can cook is green beans-- but DAMN they are yummy!
5) I second-guess myself even when I'm second-guessing myself... or do I?
6) My second biggest fear (after the whole "your ovaries are dying!!" thing of course) is that I'll never make my mom proud. Daddy loves me just the way I am...
7) I'm a guy's girl--most women scare the bejesus out of me.
8) I'm a gassy girl: when I drink caffeine, I could fill up a hot air balloon.
9) I own waaay more children's books than "adult" books.
10) I want to be qualified to teach yoga, but I can't figure out how to accomplish that when I'm still in college...
Now, for my nominations:
(every time I try to post the links, my frickin dashboard freaks out. I'm sick of dealing with it. Links'll be up later. maybe.)
Meg at No Oven for the Bun
Tori at The Winding Road to Parenthood
Nancy at The New Life of Nancy
Melissa at Banking on it
Astrid at Babymaking 101
Julie at A little Pregnant
Muchas Gracias Caitlin!
Rules:
1) Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
1) I own snowboard boots and bindings (nice ones, too!), but no board. And I've only taken one lesson.
2) I find jelly beans, raisins, and cookie dough revolting.
3) I often find myself jealous of my older sister: the doctor's son with the trust fund hubby, the two (2) houses they paid cash for, the nephew I still haven't met...
4) Even though I grew up in the hills of North Georgia, I've never eaten grits and the only southern food I can cook is green beans-- but DAMN they are yummy!
5) I second-guess myself even when I'm second-guessing myself... or do I?
6) My second biggest fear (after the whole "your ovaries are dying!!" thing of course) is that I'll never make my mom proud. Daddy loves me just the way I am...
7) I'm a guy's girl--most women scare the bejesus out of me.
8) I'm a gassy girl: when I drink caffeine, I could fill up a hot air balloon.
9) I own waaay more children's books than "adult" books.
10) I want to be qualified to teach yoga, but I can't figure out how to accomplish that when I'm still in college...
Now, for my nominations:
(every time I try to post the links, my frickin dashboard freaks out. I'm sick of dealing with it. Links'll be up later. maybe.)
Meg at No Oven for the Bun
Tori at The Winding Road to Parenthood
Nancy at The New Life of Nancy
Melissa at Banking on it
Astrid at Babymaking 101
Julie at A little Pregnant
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My Daddy
Next week, my dad will have one of these put on his leg:
In fall of '07, my dad went in for a "routine" ankle surgery. The plan was to scrape calcium deposits out of his ankle joints to relieve his near-constant pain. The routine ended with the surgery: the doc or the nurses screwed up and he ended up with a staph infection inside his joint.
And it was bad. Really bad.
He was in the hospital for almost a month and then had a port in his neck for IV antibiotics for a couple months. I found out months after the fact that he was very close to dying there for a while. He had to pop 4 vico.profen just to walk me down the aisle in June '08.
Since then, he's finally healed enough so he can walk without a cane, but he's still in constant pain. For the past 6-8 months, he been trying to decide between fusing his ankle and getting a joint replacement. After learning an ankle replacement usually lasts no more than 7-10 years (he's only 49), and after receiving 4 expert opinions, he has decided to go ahead and get it fused. Since he's already had one massive infection, the docs refuse to use pins or screws. Instead, dad will have that fun device on his leg for 4-6 months... Supposedly, it doesn't hurt after the first couple months-- the surgeon said one of his patients actually went parasailing in that get-up. BUT-- I've also heard of surgeons who claim women only need 2-3 days' break after a lap to remove endo adhesions. ha....ha....ha.
He's very optimistic concerning the surgery--he's planning on driving 4 hours to austin for my cousin's wedding 10 days post-op! I just want him to stop hurting... I can imagine it's very hard to see your parent(s) aging and in pain now matter how old they are. But somehow, it seems worse when he's not even 50. That's my Daddy--he's not allowed to be weak or aging or in pain.
It's kind of weird to think about, but we've bonded over chronic pain. I don't think he or my mom had a clue what constant pain can do to you... but now he's felt it and my mom has had to stand by and watch. My mom and I still don't discuss my health--her trying to convince me that cc.rm was just out for my money is what did it for me-- but my dad seems a lot more sympathetic now. He also seems to really listen when I offer advice: he actually was considering trying yoga after I told him how AMAZING it is at helping with chronic pain. May not sound like much, but yeah... having my dad respect my opinion/advice was pretty cool. I know it won't help his ankle much, but it would help with his knee/hip/back pain from compensating for his ankle.
Next Wednesday he'll be heading down to Dallas to have the surgery done. Please pray for an uneventful surgery and recovery for him, as well as a serious dose of patience so he can cope with being stuck with my mom for the next few months...
Oh! And that the hospital staff do their fucking jobs and try NOT to kill my Daddy again...
And it was bad. Really bad.
He was in the hospital for almost a month and then had a port in his neck for IV antibiotics for a couple months. I found out months after the fact that he was very close to dying there for a while. He had to pop 4 vico.profen just to walk me down the aisle in June '08.
Since then, he's finally healed enough so he can walk without a cane, but he's still in constant pain. For the past 6-8 months, he been trying to decide between fusing his ankle and getting a joint replacement. After learning an ankle replacement usually lasts no more than 7-10 years (he's only 49), and after receiving 4 expert opinions, he has decided to go ahead and get it fused. Since he's already had one massive infection, the docs refuse to use pins or screws. Instead, dad will have that fun device on his leg for 4-6 months... Supposedly, it doesn't hurt after the first couple months-- the surgeon said one of his patients actually went parasailing in that get-up. BUT-- I've also heard of surgeons who claim women only need 2-3 days' break after a lap to remove endo adhesions. ha....ha....ha.
He's very optimistic concerning the surgery--he's planning on driving 4 hours to austin for my cousin's wedding 10 days post-op! I just want him to stop hurting... I can imagine it's very hard to see your parent(s) aging and in pain now matter how old they are. But somehow, it seems worse when he's not even 50. That's my Daddy--he's not allowed to be weak or aging or in pain.
Next Wednesday he'll be heading down to Dallas to have the surgery done. Please pray for an uneventful surgery and recovery for him, as well as a serious dose of patience so he can cope with being stuck with my mom for the next few months...
Oh! And that the hospital staff do their fucking jobs and try NOT to kill my Daddy again...
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
I can almost see it... By May of 2012, I should have ALL of my classes complete and be ready to start student teaching!
To add some perspective, I started taking college classes when I was a junior in high school. And I've attended 5 more schools since then... Let's break in down:
Gaines.ville College, GA- This was my "high school" college. 30 credits, so when I graduated high school in 2004 and actually started "real" college, I was already a sophomore.
Pied.mont College, GA- Dean's list! my freshman year, but had a mental breakdown of sorts in the middle of the fall semester of my sophomore year. Long story: fell down some stairs, broke my shoulder blade ~ouch~, jacked up my back. I was getting overwhelmed with school, so my PCP started me on some SS.RI and it fucked me UP! My mom came to visit, saw I was practically a zombie, and strongly recommmended I move out to TX--where my parents moved the week before I moved into the dorms my freshman year. So I did.
Vern.on College & Mid.western State University- I started classes at both schools in January of '05 and passed *most of* my classes, but then started having waay too much fun in that small town in TX... for the next 2...3? semesters I registered for classes so I could stay on my parents' health insurance but really just fucked around. I'll be paying those loans off for a while...
Arapa.hoe Community College- Fall semester in '07. Had emergency lap and started Lu.pron with no add-back or even a clue WTF it was in mid-August. Let's just say I went crazy for the next 6 months.... yeah.
Me.tro State- I started here in January of '08. I got the wonderful IF news in January (while I was on Lu.pron again already and recovering from lap #3 in December). Got in aHUGE fight disagreement (I sat there and said WTF. He sat there and stared at me.) with my exhusband after he ignored my birthday on Feb 3......after our friends had planned a night out...which he declined on my behalf without even mentioning it to me... This was the tip of the iceberg. Anywho, 2 days later he asked for a separation, my life fell apart and I dropped my classes... And spent 3 entire months begging my school to waive that semester on the grounds that I was mentally unstable.
So after meeting with my advisors today, I was SHOCKED to learn that I'm only 4ish semesters away from graduation!! Yes, even if I don't count those classes in high school I will still have taken 8 years to graduate. Which is as long as my mom took... with 3 kids. Her last final literally took place in Labor & Delivery a few hours after my lil bro was born.
I don't have kids, I wasn't in Africa building schools (a few of my friends have taken semesters for this), I wasn't touring Europe... I was pulling myslef out of all the shit I get myself into. True, some of that crap I couldn't have avoided--like the broken shoulder or the doc that gave an 18 yo a drug that is no longer F.DA approved for young adults... But the parties, the drugs, the doing anything I could to forget everything that was trying to drive me crazy--that I could have avoided. However, I can honestly say that all the bad shit that I did or had happen to me, well, it made me who I am. I don't think I would be as strong as I know I am and I REALLY know I'd still be getting into trouble if I hadn't learned from all that shit. I should learned from other peoples' experience ( for example: meth is BAD), but I had to learn for myself the "hard" way.
And it was HARD. And I still don't know how I survived it all. I walked away, cold turkey, from meth. I chose to move to Denver with a brand new boyfriend because I knew I had to get away from the people I knew in that stupid town. I got home safely so many times that I should have killed myeslf or others driving so drunk I couldn't walk. I partied with strangers who could've done all kinds of crap.
But I survived. And I'm going to graduate college.
I am a very lucky young woman.
To add some perspective, I started taking college classes when I was a junior in high school. And I've attended 5 more schools since then... Let's break in down:
Gaines.ville College, GA- This was my "high school" college. 30 credits, so when I graduated high school in 2004 and actually started "real" college, I was already a sophomore.
Pied.mont College, GA- Dean's list! my freshman year, but had a mental breakdown of sorts in the middle of the fall semester of my sophomore year. Long story: fell down some stairs, broke my shoulder blade ~ouch~, jacked up my back. I was getting overwhelmed with school, so my PCP started me on some SS.RI and it fucked me UP! My mom came to visit, saw I was practically a zombie, and strongly recommmended I move out to TX--where my parents moved the week before I moved into the dorms my freshman year. So I did.
Vern.on College & Mid.western State University- I started classes at both schools in January of '05 and passed *most of* my classes, but then started having waay too much fun in that small town in TX... for the next 2...3? semesters I registered for classes so I could stay on my parents' health insurance but really just fucked around. I'll be paying those loans off for a while...
Arapa.hoe Community College- Fall semester in '07. Had emergency lap and started Lu.pron with no add-back or even a clue WTF it was in mid-August. Let's just say I went crazy for the next 6 months.... yeah.
Me.tro State- I started here in January of '08. I got the wonderful IF news in January (while I was on Lu.pron again already and recovering from lap #3 in December). Got in a
So after meeting with my advisors today, I was SHOCKED to learn that I'm only 4ish semesters away from graduation!! Yes, even if I don't count those classes in high school I will still have taken 8 years to graduate. Which is as long as my mom took... with 3 kids. Her last final literally took place in Labor & Delivery a few hours after my lil bro was born.
I don't have kids, I wasn't in Africa building schools (a few of my friends have taken semesters for this), I wasn't touring Europe... I was pulling myslef out of all the shit I get myself into. True, some of that crap I couldn't have avoided--like the broken shoulder or the doc that gave an 18 yo a drug that is no longer F.DA approved for young adults... But the parties, the drugs, the doing anything I could to forget everything that was trying to drive me crazy--that I could have avoided. However, I can honestly say that all the bad shit that I did or had happen to me, well, it made me who I am. I don't think I would be as strong as I know I am and I REALLY know I'd still be getting into trouble if I hadn't learned from all that shit. I should learned from other peoples' experience ( for example: meth is BAD), but I had to learn for myself the "hard" way.
And it was HARD. And I still don't know how I survived it all. I walked away, cold turkey, from meth. I chose to move to Denver with a brand new boyfriend because I knew I had to get away from the people I knew in that stupid town. I got home safely so many times that I should have killed myeslf or others driving so drunk I couldn't walk. I partied with strangers who could've done all kinds of crap.
But I survived. And I'm going to graduate college.
I am a very lucky young woman.
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